DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 25 years, some good and some bad. The hardest thing for me is that when my husband is upset with me, he stops talking to me.
If I ask if something’s wrong, he won’t answer or says “nothing” is wrong. I have explained repeatedly how upsetting this is because I never know what I did, and then, sure enough, I do it again.
He says he doesn’t want to say anything hurtful, but can’t he tell me why he’s upset and not be hurtful?
He also accuses me of creating drama when I get upset because I’m trying to figure out what I did wrong. Then, when I do it again, he’s like, “We discussed this.”
I have tried not talking until he’s ready, but, again, there is no resolution, and I’m getting very resentful that the ball is always in his court. How do I handle this?
EXHAUSTED IN NEW YORK
DEAR EXHAUSTED: An effective way to handle this would be for you to insist the two of you discuss with a licensed marriage therapist how to more effectively communicate.
The ball is always in your husband’s court because he has maneuvered it to be, and it isn’t playing fair. In fact, it is emotional abuse. Do not expect him to like the suggestion, and don’t be surprised if he refuses to go. If that happens, you should go anyway. His behavior is passive-aggressive.
