... Where has the [appropriate] fear response gone?
Perhaps its "module" has been partially destroyed, or overwritten by malicious code?
"You think THIS is dangerous stuff?! It ain't Even a Thrill!"Sunday, March 31, 2019
Wednesday, March 27, 2019
Tuesday, March 26, 2019
Howard Jones "What is Love"
I'm moving this video back to the top, today:
"Can anybody love anyone so much that they will never fear, never worry, never be sad? The answer is: they cannot love this much, nobody can. This is why I don't mind you doubting." ... and ...
"And maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be. The door must always be left unlocked - to love, when circumstance may lead someone away from you - and not to spend the time just Doubting."
"Can anybody love anyone so much that they will never fear, never worry, never be sad? The answer is: they cannot love this much, nobody can. This is why I don't mind you doubting." ... and ...
"And maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be. The door must always be left unlocked - to love, when circumstance may lead someone away from you - and not to spend the time just Doubting."
Monday, March 25, 2019
Incubus "Drive" (official)
This is another song that found its way to my ears today:
Sometimes I feel the fear of the uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive, oh oh
It's driven me before, and it seems to be the way
That everyone else gets around
Lately, I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
Would you choose water over wine... hold the wheel and drive?
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
Sometimes I feel the fear of the uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive, oh oh
It's driven me before, and it seems to be the way
That everyone else gets around
Lately, I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
Would you choose water over wine... hold the wheel and drive?
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
Cat Stevens "Two Fine People"
Nice song - I smiled a lot over this one, when I was a college student.
Friday, March 22, 2019
What confuses a narcissist?
(Answered on Quora by Ula Douglas)
In short, your NT emotional response. They cannot relate to it at all, just like you cannot relate to their way of thinking.
This is the longer answer —
Narcissistic emotional response is “turned inwards” and relates only to self. You, however, are preoccupied with how it relates to you and them, that’s why there are so many questions here from people about how they think or feel, and not one coming from narcissists regarding how you do, aside from blaming you for lacking empathy towards them and stigmatizing mental illness, or attacking you for assumed “emotional weakness” and “whining”. Really, even after reading all the accounts, the truth about how their disorder affects others, escapes them.
People wouldn’t be stigmatizing NPD unless it affected them negatively, which it does, unfortunately.
When Narcissists write about how the disorder affects them in negative ways, people upvote the honesty. Are your responses upvoted for their honesty? No, unless you write how you view yourself as a codependent (no offense to codependents) who needs to dig deeper into your broken self and “take responsibility” for your own abuse. Now, such honesty is relatable. Otherwise, your accounts are “whining and bitching”, or simply “fake news”. Try saying that you’re just a regular person. No, that cannot be! There must be something wrong with you to have put up with abuse. Is that really so? I beg to differ. Perhaps people just loved them. I won’t apologize for that.
But love is something narcissists don’t “get”. It’s one of the things that puzzles them, therefore demanding to be explained in terms of a mental anomaly.
Moving on.
There are a few exceptions to these neverending debates, notably from diagnosed narcissists who have come a long way in therapy and faced the fact that they have hurt people before.
You see, most Narcissists you have met in your lives have it all figured out. After all, grandiosity is one of the listed criteria for the official clinical diagnosis. They view themselves as superior to you, which is delusional. Instead of thinking “I lack in emotional response, which is regrettable as it precludes me from relating well to others”, they think “I’m superior because I’m unencumbered by emotions I never felt and don’t really want. I will do as I please, and there is nothing you can do about it, because I’m so much better at manipulating you than you are at manipulating me.”
In fact, only truly malignant narcissists are good at manipulation, at least that’s what people report. They manage to manipulate people who love them for years.
The one I dated was the “vulnerable” kind who wasn’t that good at it. Sure he succeeded when he used sex or pity, but that’s about it. That’s common among non-narcissists. And sure, I take full responsibility for feeding his compulsion. That’s long in the past, but it occurred. Still, I hardly feel grateful for him exploiting my feelings of love and pity. The fact remains that he was doing it all with a cold heart and ill intent. As soon as I understood this, I started to lose feelings for him. I could no longer love someone who lacked basic humaneness, or believe he had any, anymore. By the time of the infamous “discard” , I was disappointed rather than heartbroken.
He had no clue as to what I felt. I cannot begin to tell you how many times he asked me to explain my emotions to him. They puzzled him and, at times, made him really insecure. It was strange to witness. We are so used to our expressed emotions being understood by others. You don’t have to tell a person, “You made me angry, so what I say to you next would be expressing that anger”, or “I feel like being humorous and telling you a joke now. Ok, here goes…” No. You simply express anger, or tell a joke, and another person understands your intentions.
Narcissists tend to misinterpret your emotions. It’s hard to deal with, frankly, because it’s fairly easy for almost everyone else to understand them. So much is lost in translation.
Confusion breeds resentment, so being confused and misunderstanding your emotions triggers “devaluation”, to use our forum’s vernacular. You seem like too much to a narc at some point, with your questions and demands and pleas, and it’s puzzling… and oh so boring, too (sarcasm).
In short, your NT emotional response. They cannot relate to it at all, just like you cannot relate to their way of thinking.
This is the longer answer —
Narcissistic emotional response is “turned inwards” and relates only to self. You, however, are preoccupied with how it relates to you and them, that’s why there are so many questions here from people about how they think or feel, and not one coming from narcissists regarding how you do, aside from blaming you for lacking empathy towards them and stigmatizing mental illness, or attacking you for assumed “emotional weakness” and “whining”. Really, even after reading all the accounts, the truth about how their disorder affects others, escapes them.
People wouldn’t be stigmatizing NPD unless it affected them negatively, which it does, unfortunately.
When Narcissists write about how the disorder affects them in negative ways, people upvote the honesty. Are your responses upvoted for their honesty? No, unless you write how you view yourself as a codependent (no offense to codependents) who needs to dig deeper into your broken self and “take responsibility” for your own abuse. Now, such honesty is relatable. Otherwise, your accounts are “whining and bitching”, or simply “fake news”. Try saying that you’re just a regular person. No, that cannot be! There must be something wrong with you to have put up with abuse. Is that really so? I beg to differ. Perhaps people just loved them. I won’t apologize for that.
But love is something narcissists don’t “get”. It’s one of the things that puzzles them, therefore demanding to be explained in terms of a mental anomaly.
Moving on.
There are a few exceptions to these neverending debates, notably from diagnosed narcissists who have come a long way in therapy and faced the fact that they have hurt people before.
You see, most Narcissists you have met in your lives have it all figured out. After all, grandiosity is one of the listed criteria for the official clinical diagnosis. They view themselves as superior to you, which is delusional. Instead of thinking “I lack in emotional response, which is regrettable as it precludes me from relating well to others”, they think “I’m superior because I’m unencumbered by emotions I never felt and don’t really want. I will do as I please, and there is nothing you can do about it, because I’m so much better at manipulating you than you are at manipulating me.”
In fact, only truly malignant narcissists are good at manipulation, at least that’s what people report. They manage to manipulate people who love them for years.
The one I dated was the “vulnerable” kind who wasn’t that good at it. Sure he succeeded when he used sex or pity, but that’s about it. That’s common among non-narcissists. And sure, I take full responsibility for feeding his compulsion. That’s long in the past, but it occurred. Still, I hardly feel grateful for him exploiting my feelings of love and pity. The fact remains that he was doing it all with a cold heart and ill intent. As soon as I understood this, I started to lose feelings for him. I could no longer love someone who lacked basic humaneness, or believe he had any, anymore. By the time of the infamous “discard” , I was disappointed rather than heartbroken.
He had no clue as to what I felt. I cannot begin to tell you how many times he asked me to explain my emotions to him. They puzzled him and, at times, made him really insecure. It was strange to witness. We are so used to our expressed emotions being understood by others. You don’t have to tell a person, “You made me angry, so what I say to you next would be expressing that anger”, or “I feel like being humorous and telling you a joke now. Ok, here goes…” No. You simply express anger, or tell a joke, and another person understands your intentions.
Narcissists tend to misinterpret your emotions. It’s hard to deal with, frankly, because it’s fairly easy for almost everyone else to understand them. So much is lost in translation.
Confusion breeds resentment, so being confused and misunderstanding your emotions triggers “devaluation”, to use our forum’s vernacular. You seem like too much to a narc at some point, with your questions and demands and pleas, and it’s puzzling… and oh so boring, too (sarcasm).
Monday, March 18, 2019
Seen on Quora, the question "What screams mentally healthy?"
Answer by Elinor Greenberg:
When I think of the people I know who I consider mentally healthy, they tend to have many of the following traits:
They have a sense of humor about themselves and life events.
They can continue functioning effectively during difficult times.
They take care of their health.
They pay their bills on time.
They are usually kind to people.
They know what they like.
They can make their own decisions.
They complete most projects that they start.
They are reliable.
They have a group of friends.
They save for the future.
They are responsible with money.
They can hold their temper.
When I think of the people I know who I consider mentally healthy, they tend to have many of the following traits:
They have a sense of humor about themselves and life events.
They can continue functioning effectively during difficult times.
They take care of their health.
They pay their bills on time.
They are usually kind to people.
They know what they like.
They can make their own decisions.
They complete most projects that they start.
They are reliable.
They have a group of friends.
They save for the future.
They are responsible with money.
They can hold their temper.
Friday, March 15, 2019
How to Lose Her (Again)
Seen elsewhere:
This is how you lose her when she wanted to be yours
You lose her when you stop paying attention to her. To her feelings. To the changes in her behavior. To the sadness in her eyes. To the things she’s been subtly asking you to do but you’ve been oblivious to them all.
You lose her when you give her the feeling that her presence in your life is not important. That you’re fine without her, that you don’t need her in your life as much as she needs you. When you make her feel that spending time with her is an obligation and not something that will make your day better.
This is how you lose her when she wanted to be yours
You lose her when you stop paying attention to her. To her feelings. To the changes in her behavior. To the sadness in her eyes. To the things she’s been subtly asking you to do but you’ve been oblivious to them all.
You lose her when you give her the feeling that her presence in your life is not important. That you’re fine without her, that you don’t need her in your life as much as she needs you. When you make her feel that spending time with her is an obligation and not something that will make your day better.
Tuesday, March 12, 2019
Words on my mind upon awakening
[I came awake, feeling in a sort of cloud of English language words - just a diffuse cloud of meaning that could be put into words, I thought.]
Careless
Indifferent
(Cruel)
Neglectful
Distracted
Sunday, March 10, 2019
"It only Seeeeeeems like I'm lying to you ... you have it all wrong"
After he came back from the Gilroy outlets:
"What did you buy me?" ;-)D
"We didn't buy anything."
However, later, the mostly-empty laundry basket reveals:
So, this means that ... my eyes and ears deceive me ... according to what he'd like me to believe. He would like me to believe that red equals white, and that what I'm seeing is not real (?).
Quora question about "no"
My husband plays around too much, and doesn’t listen to me when I say “no” the first time. Would that teach my daughter that “no” means “yes”?
Answer by Suzanne Lehman:
Ah. You have stumbled upon the only rule that cannot be broken in my house. I have told a neighbor’s son, who threw his 10-years younger sister into our pool while she screamed, “No! No! Stop! NO! NO!”, that he was teaching her that she should not expect men to respect her and that she cannot expect him to protect her. He looked like I had slapped him awake. 5 minutes later, I thought that 16 year old was going to cry as he took his baby sister by the hand and gave her a big hug and told her he was sorry for throwing her in the pool and he was sorry for not listening to her.
In our house, “no” means “no” and “stop” means “stop”. This works both ways. I cannot laughingly say “oh, just stop!” if I really want my husband’s kisses or snuggles to continue. He will stop. Likewise, my daughters have to stop tickling their brother the FIRST time he says, “stop”. We have 3 girls and a boy. My girls and my boy have learned to say what they mean and mean what they say. It’s Biblical AND it’s exceptionally good advice in nearly all circumstances AND it’s not a lesson most girls in our country (or in the world?) learn.
Our son is now 16 years old and has a long-term girlfriend. She spends a lot of time at our house. Early on, I enforced her every “no” - tickles, hugs, teasing - not because my son didn’t stop but because she didn’t understand WHY HE DID. She eventually learned that she could actually trust that our son would stop if she said, “stop”. She was more fragile and a bit of a victim when she first started dating our son. She is so much more confident now and she has taken this lesson home to her two older brothers. She doesn’t put up with their crap any more.
So, I say that yes, your daughter will learn that her voice is meaningless, that her father will not respect her, and that, therefore, she should neither expect nor demand that respect from other men in her life. The conversation with the dad is a delicate one but focus on who he DOES want her to be and what he DOES want her to learn. Instead of saying, “don’t do that”, tell him how to empower his daughter so that she is less likely to be a victim. Tell him you read it somewhere.
What he teaches her by his words and deeds will be the framework by which she subconsciously judges her future husband. Does her dad want her to marry a man who respects her? Then he has to be that man - the man he wants his daughter to marry.
Blessings.
Edit: I have never had more than a handful of upvotes. I have never had a share. In this moment, I am SO hopeful for our world. Bless you all and may we continue to sow respect through love.Thursday, March 7, 2019
You can choose who greets you
If you want to keep pulling "bad Anna" out of me - then keep doing what you've always done, "Luv"!
https://qr.ae/TWXWQkhttps://qr.ae/TWXWQk
https://qr.ae/TWXWQkhttps://qr.ae/TWXWQk
Tuesday, March 5, 2019
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