Quora question about "no"

My husband plays around too much, and doesn’t listen to me when I say “no” the first time. Would that teach my daughter that “no” means “yes”?

Answer by Suzanne Lehman:

Ah. You have stumbled upon the only rule that cannot be broken in my house. I have told a neighbor’s son, who threw his 10-years younger sister into our pool while she screamed, “No! No! Stop! NO! NO!”, that he was teaching her that she should not expect men to respect her and that she cannot expect him to protect her. He looked like I had slapped him awake. 5 minutes later, I thought that 16 year old was going to cry as he took his baby sister by the hand and gave her a big hug and told her he was sorry for throwing her in the pool and he was sorry for not listening to her.

In our house, “no” means “no” and “stop” means “stop”. This works both ways. I cannot laughingly say “oh, just stop!” if I really want my husband’s kisses or snuggles to continue. He will stop. Likewise, my daughters have to stop tickling their brother the FIRST time he says, “stop”. We have 3 girls and a boy. My girls and my boy have learned to say what they mean and mean what they say. It’s Biblical AND it’s exceptionally good advice in nearly all circumstances AND it’s not a lesson most girls in our country (or in the world?) learn.

Our son is now 16 years old and has a long-term girlfriend. She spends a lot of time at our house. Early on, I enforced her every “no” - tickles, hugs, teasing - not because my son didn’t stop but because she didn’t understand WHY HE DID. She eventually learned that she could actually trust that our son would stop if she said, “stop”. She was more fragile and a bit of a victim when she first started dating our son. She is so much more confident now and she has taken this lesson home to her two older brothers. She doesn’t put up with their crap any more.

So, I say that yes, your daughter will learn that her voice is meaningless, that her father will not respect her, and that, therefore, she should neither expect nor demand that respect from other men in her life. The conversation with the dad is a delicate one but focus on who he DOES want her to be and what he DOES want her to learn. Instead of saying, “don’t do that”, tell him how to empower his daughter so that she is less likely to be a victim. Tell him you read it somewhere.

What he teaches her by his words and deeds will be the framework by which she subconsciously judges her future husband. Does her dad want her to marry a man who respects her? Then he has to be that man - the man he wants his daughter to marry.

Blessings.

Edit: I have never had more than a handful of upvotes. I have never had a share. In this moment, I am SO hopeful for our world. Bless you all and may we continue to sow respect through love.