Thursday, April 25, 2019
Friday, April 19, 2019
Linkin Park "Valentine's Day" + lyrics
Hutchinson River Parkway U2 "Breathe"
16th of June, 9:05, doorbell rings, man at the door says
"if I want to stay alive a bit longer,
there's 3 things I need you to know: 3!"
Coming from a long line of travelling sales people on my mother's side
I wasn't gonna buy just anyone's cockatoo.
So why would I invite a complete stranger into my home? - Would you?
These days are better than that
These days are better than that
Every day I die again and again I'm reborn
Every day I have to find the courage
To walk out into the street
With arms out, got a love you can't defeat
Neither down or out
There's nothing you have that I need,
I can breathe, breathe now
16th of June, Chinese stocks are going up
And I'm coming down with some Malaysian virus
Ju Ju man, Ju Ju man
Doc says you're fine or dying
Please: 9:09, St John divine on the line, my pulse is fine,
but I'm running down the road like loose electricity,
while the band in my head plays a striptease.
The roar that lies, on the other side of silence,
The forest fire that is fear so deny it
Walk out into the street,
Sing your heart out
The people we meet
will not be drowned out
There's nothing you have that I need
I can breathe, breathe now
We are people born of sound
the songs are in our eyes
Born to wear them like a crown, oh
Walk out into the sunburst street
Sing your heart out
Sing my heart out
I found grace inside the sound
I found grace, it's all I found.
And I can breathe, breathe now.
Tuesday, April 9, 2019
Sunday, March 31, 2019
Adrenaline Junkie's Anthem -> Kaizen!
... Where has the [appropriate] fear response gone?
Perhaps its "module" has been partially destroyed, or overwritten by malicious code?
"You think THIS is dangerous stuff?! It ain't Even a Thrill!"Wednesday, March 27, 2019
Tuesday, March 26, 2019
Howard Jones "What is Love"
"Can anybody love anyone so much that they will never fear, never worry, never be sad? The answer is: they cannot love this much, nobody can. This is why I don't mind you doubting." ... and ...
"And maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be. The door must always be left unlocked - to love, when circumstance may lead someone away from you - and not to spend the time just Doubting."
Monday, March 25, 2019
Incubus "Drive" (official)
Sometimes I feel the fear of the uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive, oh oh
It's driven me before, and it seems to be the way
That everyone else gets around
Lately, I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
Would you choose water over wine... hold the wheel and drive?
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
Cat Stevens "Two Fine People"
Friday, March 22, 2019
What confuses a narcissist?
In short, your NT emotional response. They cannot relate to it at all, just like you cannot relate to their way of thinking.
This is the longer answer —
Narcissistic emotional response is “turned inwards” and relates only to self. You, however, are preoccupied with how it relates to you and them, that’s why there are so many questions here from people about how they think or feel, and not one coming from narcissists regarding how you do, aside from blaming you for lacking empathy towards them and stigmatizing mental illness, or attacking you for assumed “emotional weakness” and “whining”. Really, even after reading all the accounts, the truth about how their disorder affects others, escapes them.
People wouldn’t be stigmatizing NPD unless it affected them negatively, which it does, unfortunately.
When Narcissists write about how the disorder affects them in negative ways, people upvote the honesty. Are your responses upvoted for their honesty? No, unless you write how you view yourself as a codependent (no offense to codependents) who needs to dig deeper into your broken self and “take responsibility” for your own abuse. Now, such honesty is relatable. Otherwise, your accounts are “whining and bitching”, or simply “fake news”. Try saying that you’re just a regular person. No, that cannot be! There must be something wrong with you to have put up with abuse. Is that really so? I beg to differ. Perhaps people just loved them. I won’t apologize for that.
But love is something narcissists don’t “get”. It’s one of the things that puzzles them, therefore demanding to be explained in terms of a mental anomaly.
Moving on.
There are a few exceptions to these neverending debates, notably from diagnosed narcissists who have come a long way in therapy and faced the fact that they have hurt people before.
You see, most Narcissists you have met in your lives have it all figured out. After all, grandiosity is one of the listed criteria for the official clinical diagnosis. They view themselves as superior to you, which is delusional. Instead of thinking “I lack in emotional response, which is regrettable as it precludes me from relating well to others”, they think “I’m superior because I’m unencumbered by emotions I never felt and don’t really want. I will do as I please, and there is nothing you can do about it, because I’m so much better at manipulating you than you are at manipulating me.”
In fact, only truly malignant narcissists are good at manipulation, at least that’s what people report. They manage to manipulate people who love them for years.
The one I dated was the “vulnerable” kind who wasn’t that good at it. Sure he succeeded when he used sex or pity, but that’s about it. That’s common among non-narcissists. And sure, I take full responsibility for feeding his compulsion. That’s long in the past, but it occurred. Still, I hardly feel grateful for him exploiting my feelings of love and pity. The fact remains that he was doing it all with a cold heart and ill intent. As soon as I understood this, I started to lose feelings for him. I could no longer love someone who lacked basic humaneness, or believe he had any, anymore. By the time of the infamous “discard” , I was disappointed rather than heartbroken.
He had no clue as to what I felt. I cannot begin to tell you how many times he asked me to explain my emotions to him. They puzzled him and, at times, made him really insecure. It was strange to witness. We are so used to our expressed emotions being understood by others. You don’t have to tell a person, “You made me angry, so what I say to you next would be expressing that anger”, or “I feel like being humorous and telling you a joke now. Ok, here goes…” No. You simply express anger, or tell a joke, and another person understands your intentions.
Narcissists tend to misinterpret your emotions. It’s hard to deal with, frankly, because it’s fairly easy for almost everyone else to understand them. So much is lost in translation.
Confusion breeds resentment, so being confused and misunderstanding your emotions triggers “devaluation”, to use our forum’s vernacular. You seem like too much to a narc at some point, with your questions and demands and pleas, and it’s puzzling… and oh so boring, too (sarcasm).
Monday, March 18, 2019
Seen on Quora, the question "What screams mentally healthy?"
When I think of the people I know who I consider mentally healthy, they tend to have many of the following traits:
They have a sense of humor about themselves and life events.
They can continue functioning effectively during difficult times.
They take care of their health.
They pay their bills on time.
They are usually kind to people.
They know what they like.
They can make their own decisions.
They complete most projects that they start.
They are reliable.
They have a group of friends.
They save for the future.
They are responsible with money.
They can hold their temper.
Friday, March 15, 2019
How to Lose Her (Again)
This is how you lose her when she wanted to be yours
You lose her when you stop paying attention to her. To her feelings. To the changes in her behavior. To the sadness in her eyes. To the things she’s been subtly asking you to do but you’ve been oblivious to them all.
You lose her when you give her the feeling that her presence in your life is not important. That you’re fine without her, that you don’t need her in your life as much as she needs you. When you make her feel that spending time with her is an obligation and not something that will make your day better.
Tuesday, March 12, 2019
Words on my mind upon awakening
[I came awake, feeling in a sort of cloud of English language words - just a diffuse cloud of meaning that could be put into words, I thought.]
Careless
Indifferent
(Cruel)
Neglectful
Distracted
Sunday, March 10, 2019
"It only Seeeeeeems like I'm lying to you ... you have it all wrong"
After he came back from the Gilroy outlets:
"What did you buy me?" ;-)D
"We didn't buy anything."
However, later, the mostly-empty laundry basket reveals:
So, this means that ... my eyes and ears deceive me ... according to what he'd like me to believe. He would like me to believe that red equals white, and that what I'm seeing is not real (?).
Quora question about "no"
My husband plays around too much, and doesn’t listen to me when I say “no” the first time. Would that teach my daughter that “no” means “yes”?
Answer by Suzanne Lehman:
Ah. You have stumbled upon the only rule that cannot be broken in my house. I have told a neighbor’s son, who threw his 10-years younger sister into our pool while she screamed, “No! No! Stop! NO! NO!”, that he was teaching her that she should not expect men to respect her and that she cannot expect him to protect her. He looked like I had slapped him awake. 5 minutes later, I thought that 16 year old was going to cry as he took his baby sister by the hand and gave her a big hug and told her he was sorry for throwing her in the pool and he was sorry for not listening to her.
In our house, “no” means “no” and “stop” means “stop”. This works both ways. I cannot laughingly say “oh, just stop!” if I really want my husband’s kisses or snuggles to continue. He will stop. Likewise, my daughters have to stop tickling their brother the FIRST time he says, “stop”. We have 3 girls and a boy. My girls and my boy have learned to say what they mean and mean what they say. It’s Biblical AND it’s exceptionally good advice in nearly all circumstances AND it’s not a lesson most girls in our country (or in the world?) learn.
Our son is now 16 years old and has a long-term girlfriend. She spends a lot of time at our house. Early on, I enforced her every “no” - tickles, hugs, teasing - not because my son didn’t stop but because she didn’t understand WHY HE DID. She eventually learned that she could actually trust that our son would stop if she said, “stop”. She was more fragile and a bit of a victim when she first started dating our son. She is so much more confident now and she has taken this lesson home to her two older brothers. She doesn’t put up with their crap any more.
So, I say that yes, your daughter will learn that her voice is meaningless, that her father will not respect her, and that, therefore, she should neither expect nor demand that respect from other men in her life. The conversation with the dad is a delicate one but focus on who he DOES want her to be and what he DOES want her to learn. Instead of saying, “don’t do that”, tell him how to empower his daughter so that she is less likely to be a victim. Tell him you read it somewhere.
What he teaches her by his words and deeds will be the framework by which she subconsciously judges her future husband. Does her dad want her to marry a man who respects her? Then he has to be that man - the man he wants his daughter to marry.
Blessings.
Edit: I have never had more than a handful of upvotes. I have never had a share. In this moment, I am SO hopeful for our world. Bless you all and may we continue to sow respect through love.Thursday, March 7, 2019
You can choose who greets you
https://qr.ae/TWXWQkhttps://qr.ae/TWXWQk
Tuesday, March 5, 2019
Thursday, February 21, 2019
I am going to survive
I must see it frequently, if I wear it:
["I am going to survive this person I met."]
Sunday, January 27, 2019
Linkin Park "In the End" (official video) with lyrics
[Chester Bennington:]It starts with one thing -
[Mike Shinoda:] One thing I don't know why -
it doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
to explain in due time
All I know:
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
the clock ticks life away.
It's so unreal,
didn't look out below.
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, didn't even know:
I wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside
and even though I tried,
it all fell apart
What it meant to me
will eventually be a memory
of a time
I tried so hard
and got so far -
but in the end,
it doesn't even matter
I had to fall
to lose it all
but in the end,
It doesn't even matter.
One thing, I don't know why,
Iit doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
to remind myself how I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me,
acting like I was part of your property,
remembering all the times you fought with me -
I'm surprised it got so far.
Things aren't the way they were before,
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore.
Not that you knew me back then -
but it all comes back to me in the end.
You kept everything inside
and even though I tried,
it all fell apart.
What it meant to me
will eventually be a memory
of a time when I tried so hard
I tried so hard
and got so far -
but in the end,
it doesn't even matter.
I had to fall
to lose it all -
but in the end,
it doesn't even matter.
I've put my trust in you,
pushed as far as I can go -
For all this,
there's only one thing you should know:
I've put my trust in you,
pushed as far as I can go -
For all this,
there's only one thing you should know:
I tried so hard
and got so far
but in the end,
it doesn't even matter.
I had to fall
to lose it all -
but in the end,
it doesn't even matter.
Suzanne Vega "Knight Moves" video
Watch while the queen
in one false move
turns herself into a pawn
Sleepy and shaken,
and watching while the blurry night,
Turns into a very clear dawn
Do you love any, do you love none,
do you love many, can you love one,
do you love me?
Do you love any, do you love none,
do you love twenty, can you love one,
do you love me?
One false move
and a secret prophecy
Well, if you hold it against her,
first hold it up and see
that it's one side stone,
one side fire -
standing alone among all men's desire
They want to know:
Do you love any, do you love none,
Do you love many, can you love one,
do you love me?
Do you love any, do you love none,
Do you love twenty, can you love one,
do you love me?
and if you wonder
what I am doing
as I am heading
for the sink
I am spitting out
all the bitterness
along with half of my last drink
I am thinking
of your woman
who is crying in the hall
It's like drinking gasoline
to quench a thirst
until there's nothing there left at all
Do you love any, do you love none,
do you love many, can you love one,
do you love me?
Do you love any, do you love none,
do you love twenty, can you love one,
do you love me?
and "Walk on her blind side"
was the answer to the joke
that said there isn't a political bone
in her body
Well, she would rather be a riddle
but she keeps challenging the future
with a profound lack of history
Do you love any, do you love none,
do you love many, can you love one,
do you love me?
Do you love any, do you love none,
do you love twenty, can you love one,
do you love me?
And watch while the queen
in one false move
turns herself into a pawn
Sleepy and shaken
and watching while the blurry night
turns into a very clear dawn
Do you love me? (x 6)
Suzanne Vega "Solitude Standing" with lyrics
Solitude stands by the window
She turns her head as I walk in the room
I can see by her eyes she's been waiting
Standing in the slant of the late afternoon
and she turns to me with her hand extended
[her] palm is split with a flower, with a flame
Solitude stands in the doorway
I'm struck once again by her black silhouette
by her long cool stare and her silence
I suddenly remember each time we've met
and she turns to me with her hand extended
(her) palm is split with a flower with a flame
and she says "I've come to set a twisted thing straight"
and she says "I've come to lighten this dark heart"
and she takes my wrist, I feel her imprint of fear
and I said, "I never thought of finding you here"
and I turn to the crowd as they're watching
They're sitting all together in the dark, in the warm
I wanted to be in there, among them
I see how their eyes are gathered into one
Then she turns to me with her hand extended
[her] palm is split with a flower, with a flame
and she says "I've come to set a twisted thing straight"
and she says "l've come to lighten this dark heart"
and she takes my wrist, I feel her imprint of fear
and I said, "I never thought of finding you here"
Solitude stands in the doorway
I'm struck once again by her black silhouette
by her long cool stare and her silence
I suddenly remember each time we've met
and she turns to me with her hand extended
[her] palm is split with a flower, with a flame
Monday, January 21, 2019
Best way to please a woman?
From Quora.com, answered by Davidson Joulot
Question: What is something that almost nobody knows about pleasing a woman?
You can spend hours with your head in between her thighs, her hips spasm with seizures, and her eyes rolled back but none of it is equal to pleasing a woman emotionally.
You can last 40 minutes in her in the most bizarre positions, still it will not be as effective as pleasing her emotionally.
What do I mean by pleasing her emotionally?
Many people confuse sexual pleasure with pleasing their partner, but in truth that’s only part of it. And you don’t need to be a sex god to please a woman. All you have to do is understand her.
Imagine a push to start car, you can get it on but if you don’t know that you need to press on the brake while you push the engine button you are going to spend quite a while in the parking lot lost and not knowing what you are doing wrong. Then as soon as you start to understand the car, you are able to start it in seconds.
The same with driving stickshift. If you understand how to drive a stickshift you will save thousands from updating an average car to an automatic. And the more luxurious the car is the more you will have to pay to convert it to automatic.
The same with a woman. Once you try to understand her and listen to her the easier the relationship will be and the easier it’ll be to please her.
A woman needs to be pleased emotionally in her late teens, 20’s, 30’s 50’s and all the way to her elderly age. So the sooner you master it the more fruitful and rewarding your relationship will be with her.
Men, we need to realize women as much as we hear of super strong feminism we should not be afraid of women in politics or women flying our space ships, we support her. Once we stop questioning them we can start seeing women as our partners and let her be our support to push forward in technology and social changes.
And in truth pleasing a woman is the easiest thing a man can ever do.
You support her. Not by paying all the bills and buying her new cars, but you support her by letting her know that she can be the best chef, doctor, lawyer, mayor or CEO of the best Fortune 500 company. Our ego will make us think that if she becomes a lawyer and you are still a teacher she might feel better than you. But you have to realize that for her to become a lawyer you were the one that picked up the kids, fixed her supper on her late nights after long studies, and made sure her car was always clean and tuned for her to never get stuck on the road. As much as you’d love to believe it that she can easily find another man that can do that, she won’t because you made sure you are the best man she’ll ever have laid her eyes on.
A woman’s erogenous zones are not the strongest place to please a woman. Her ears are the best place to please her. A man will sit in a football field next to his father after practice and he’ll tell him, “One day, son, these stands are going to scream your name.” You believe him. It makes you feel good. The same with a woman. She need to hear the words. Her ears help her believe. “Baby, the last two years you stayed home to look after our daughter. Three years from now our daughter and I are going to sit in your graduation after you complete law school.” And when that day happens she’ll feel like wow, he saw it and believe it. And these are the moments that makes a woman proud to see your feature in her children’s faces.
The third way to please a woman is by keeping your words. You said you were going to pick up the kids, do it. You said you were going to pick her mom from the airport, it’s 15 degrees outside and she’s been in a 15 hour journey don’t let her mom suffer because you did not keep your words. You said you were going to quit drinking because you turn into someone else around her and the kids, do it.
Another thing that pleases a woman even when some say it doesn’t, it’s shiny things and breath taking things. I once got my girl this shiny piece of jewelry. She told me that it was too much and that I shouldn’t have gotten it for her. She’s one of those modern day I can do things myself type of gal. So if I use my annual bonus to buy her a piece of jewelry she’ll act like it’s not cool because she didn’t get me something like that. Even if I told her many times that she’s my lady, and I don’t care what feminism says, in my eyes she and my daughter deserve the best. So it was when I told her that it’s not bad for women to have expensive jewelry and if we ever get broke and she needs to provide for our daughter she can always sell that jewelry, that was when she accepted the gift. Days later I was walking by our bedroom and she didn’t notice but I saw her looking at herself in the mirror admiring herself and the jewelry. Using fancy accents and not behaving like how most people see her. Then she started using it in our fancy outings. So yeah do catch your lady’s breath.
She might think sex is boring in your house, but book a nice hotel in Manhattan New York and enjoy breakfast at Tiffany’s, and dine her in her red dress and high heels and you’ll see the freaky side from when she was 22. Women love excitement.
And that’s for a woman who’s in her late teens, 20s, 30s, 40s and elderly age.
Women are amazing. So please your lady.
[Note from Anna: For me, at first I thought the shiny [jewelry?] part to be non-applicable, and perhaps a bit conflicting with my so-called values. I used to joke that my mates were maybe fortunate that I have an aversion to [wearing] jewelry - due to someone in high school having tried to choke me with my own necklace - I haven't worn my hair long since then, for the same reason - long hair could slow me down and disable me, potentially. Then I thought about "shiny" more. Do I enjoy "shiny"? Do I feel honored to have "value" offered to me? Yes x 2! (I think I value the gifts of attention and time more than gifts costing lots of money - probably because the former two are more limited and therefore more valuable to me.)Sunday, January 13, 2019
John Mellencamp "Emotional Love"
I woke up today
everything on my shoulders
I never told her
such emotional love
I hear what you say
Yes I owe ya
but I don´t know ya
and I smash soldiers with love
I come there today
to your station
it´s recreation
this passing notion of love
I hear what you say
it´s demonstration
crossing oceans above
crossing oceans above
Hand on my shoulder
like I told her
I control ya
crossing oceans above
Sally in the roses
what she knows is
such emotional love ...
Not for beginners
or Sunday sinners
court disasters
A. J. just killed his love
Who´s on the left and right
lonely days and nights
Who´s your master
when gods pass motions above
I hear what you play
on your station
smashing soldiers with love
crossing oceans above
such emotional love ...
I woke up today
everything's on my shoulders
I never told her
such emotional love
I hear what you say
Yes I know ya
but I don´t owe ya
and I smash soldiers with love
I come there today
to your station
it´s recreation
this passing notion of love
is crossing oceans above
Such emotional love ...
Monday, December 31, 2018
Linkin Park "Waiting for the End" lyrics
Let me see 'em now, yeah
I like that
Yeah
This is not the end
This is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
And though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em
We say, "yeah"
Fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we tell it, forget it
Let it all disappear
Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go
I know what it takes to move on
(Oh) I know how it feels to lie
(Oh) all I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so
I know what it takes to move on
(Oh) I know how it feels to lie
(Oh) all I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
Yeah, yeah
What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And I don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending is starting again
All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
This is not the end
This is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone (holding on to what I haven't got)
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em
We say, "yeah"
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there
'Cause we're living at the mercy of (holding on to what I haven't got)
The pain and the fear
Until we get it, forget it
Let it all disappear
Thank you
Sunday, December 23, 2018
In what ways could a therapist foster dependency in a client?
https://qr.ae/TUtqlt
The person who answers this Quora question writes this, at the above link:
I would say that I’m surprised at these answers but I’m really not. Especially for U.S. replies.
Why does everyone assume this was a negative question? Why does everyone assume the asker meant OVERdependency? (Maybe they did, but maybe my slant will give even them a different context.). Why is it that when the very word ‘dependence’ is dared to be uttered, an emphatic gasp escapes from everyone’s proverbial mouth?
Here’s where I’m coming from: I LOATHE needs. I abhor depending on anyone for anything. If anyone were conditioned to gasp…or even puke…at the notion of needing something from someone, especially a therapist, it would be me. You see dependency means vulnerability…which is, of course, vehemently forbidden. I even call it the game of needs. Because as soon as I might need something from someone, I’m subject to their power. Their power to A. Meet the need or to not, for one…and worse, B. The power to call the shots if they DO meet it. What’s the pricetag? Oh and…if you’re willing to ask/take, then you’re willing to give…anything. Learn that before you even enter kindergarten and then tell me you think ‘needs’ are ok…or anything but even morally wrong! In all honesty…all of you therapists answers to date just FEED my reasons to not need you. You obviously want to DIS-courage it!
All we hear about is the clingy client. The idealizing client. The overwhelming, enmeshing client. The one you as therapists can’t shake. The ‘extra grace required’ client. The problematic, positive transferent client. The one who calls between sessions, emails, makes extra appointments, and overreacts when you have a vacation or even a single sick day. The, dare I say, ‘How do I get rid of’ this client. The ‘eyeroll’ client.
Does no one ever have the client who doesn’t even believe in ‘safe’ or trust? The one who’s been so out of touch with (or never been alllowed) emotions and has no idea how to even answer what it is that they need? The horribly avoidant kind of client? The one that almost bears claws when you mention the concepts of needs, trust, depending, or relationship? The one who causes eyebrows to curl in perplexity rather than roll with contempt?
What do you all do when a client wants so desperately to NOT need or trust you? When they endure hellish ambivalence over knowing they even made the first appointment because they needed help, but they have no idea what that would look like or how to ask for it? When everything in their nature rails against accepting any basic thing you offer them? What do you do when their defenses rear monstrous heads against everything you’ve previously held as concrete ‘do’s and don’t’s?
Whatever you would do to help them feel ‘safe’, to learn to slowly trust you, to have any chance at all to have a ‘therapeutic relationship’ (and those words pretty much cause their nerves to shudder), those things are what YOU do…to ‘foster’ some level of dependence to even keep them coming back and give therapy a chance. So don’t act like you, dear therapist, have never done anything to foster dependency…or that it’s a horrible thing that you have. Stop assuming that it has to mean some sly, selfish motivation on the part of a therapist to TRY against hope to create an opportunity for a (proud, Self Rescuing Princess) client to trust and talk for the first time in their lives. Stop villifying the more ‘extreme’ measures a therapist might HAVE to take to even connect or engage with a client. Oh I know that all of the answers here which address the dark side of therapists ambitions do exist….but that is because of the nature of that singular therapist rather than the nature of dependency. (Wow! I can’t believe that just came from my brain! This is 180 from where I was 5–4–3 yrs ago!)
I think that therapists who work with a high ratio of trauma clients (especially complex trauma from childhood abuse), have seen more people like me. I think that to them, this question is much more neutral and their answer would be tailored for each clients needs, rather than so unilaterally snubbing of the simple word ‘dependency’.
And that takes a hell of a lot for me to say!! Because I saw ‘the game’ of fostering from the beginning and fought tooth and nail to not fall for it. I refused to play the game. Maybe that’s why it’s taken me half a decade to get here. But I AM still here, in therapy, for the first time in my 40something life. My therapist has the patience of a saint and the impeccable balance to ‘foster’ dependence without ever crossing a single boundary to coerce me into any form of OVERdependence or to so scare the living excrement out of me as to give me any further excuse to bolt.
This question and answer session has brought me a new and deeper gratitude for the skill and intrepid genius that my therapist has had to walk the fine line without fearing it’s wavering from time to time. Leaving open ended those things which they obviously knew I needed (whether I knew or not) and keeping closed what they knew I needed to still avoid.
Rethink context here please. Everybody gets unethical manipulation these days. It’s forefront and center. But a frenzy of ‘the therapist is selfish/only wants more money/loves the ego boost’ is very shortsighted. Commonplace, one dimensional and boring at least…sad and underserving of a whole population of clientelle at worst. Maybe the therapist just knows that it could be life or death to keep the client coming back.
Yet even I have been able to accomplish this shift after over 5+ long, patient, painstaking years of learning how to trust (which really must be a prerequisite of any healthy dependency). It’s been excruciating. And yet I’ve just realized ‘Here I am!’ arguing FOR healthy dependency. OMG!!! (Quell oncoming panic). My therapist did something right. Maybe they had to overcome their own comfort limits to accomplish it! Imagine that! Maybe we were both uncomfortable all this time. But it’s working…and right now I thank God that my therapist never gave up on me OR themself. I’m thankful that they refused to see things in black and white, or held to an unyielding principle of anti-dependency. Which would have just matched my own principles and accomplished zilch.
Friday, December 14, 2018
Emotional Reactivity - Psychology Today
How to Lose Her
This is how you lose her when she wanted to be yours
You lose her when you stop paying attention to her. To her feelings. To the changes in her behavior. To the sadness in her eyes. To the things she’s been subtly asking you to do but you’ve been oblivious to them all.
You lose her when you give her the feeling that her presence in your life is not important. That you’re fine without her, that you don’t need her in your life as much as she needs you. When you make her feel that spending time with her is an obligation and not something that will make your day better.
Monday, November 26, 2018
Monday, November 12, 2018
Namastay in bed a bit longer ...
[*Namaste roughly means "I bow to the God within you", or "The Spirit within me salutes the Spirit in you". And also: "Nama-stay in bed, and not start my daily tasks yet ..."]
Wednesday, October 10, 2018
Suzanne Vega "Solitude Standing"
Solitude stands by the window
She turns her head as I walk in the room
I can see by her eyes she's been waiting
Standing in the slant of the late afternoon
and she turns to me with her hand extended
[her] palm is split with a flower, with a flame
Solitude stands in the doorway
I'm struck once again by her black silhouette
by her long cool stare and her silence
I suddenly remember each time we've met
and she turns to me with her hand extended
(her) palm is split with a flower with a flame
and she says "I've come to set a twisted thing straight"
and she says "I've come to lighten this dark heart"
and she takes my wrist, I feel her imprint of fear
and I said, "I never thought of finding you here"
and I turn to the crowd as they're watching
They're sitting all together in the dark, in the warm
I wanted to be in there, among them
I see how their eyes are gathered into one
Then she turns to me with her hand extended
[her] palm is split with a flower, with a flame
and she says "I've come to set a twisted thing straight"
and she says "l've come to lighten this dark heart"
and she takes my wrist, I feel her imprint of fear
and I said, "I never thought of finding you here"
Solitude stands in the doorway
I'm struck once again by her black silhouette
by her long cool stare and her silence
I suddenly remember each time we've met
and she turns to me with her hand extended
[her] palm is split with a flower, with a flame
Saturday, October 6, 2018
Friday, October 5, 2018
Thursday, September 27, 2018
Monday, September 17, 2018
Peter Murphy "Indigo Eyes" (Happy Birthday version)
Subtly modified Peter Murphy “Indigo Eyes” lyrics - as Anna hears or would hear them! ;-)
Fire burning in a hill,
the lines are rocky rough.
Red angels wait to pick remains.
The cindered shoulder
of confused men ...
Separate from there: their awe.
With grey desire,
he looks out (mad) his soft grey indigo eyes.
Indigo eyes … asking ...
His heaven is uncovered not,
a black tree blocks his way.
His way is skating ‘round a dome -
his way is in dismay.
The playmate sings
like Orphee in some thunder world,
asking to be bathed in light,
to be exemplified.
Like Orphee in some thunder world,
asking to be taken light,
to be exemplified.
With grey desire he looks out (mad) his soft grey indigo eyes.
Saw his past,
he had dug for trust,
with blind infected hands.
And wondered as the hurt bit hard,
why the sacred weren't at hand.
Only when his ears were deaf
to the angels’ light burst waves -
Only when his ears were deaf
did life turn from fog to fog.
But not evil, but estranged -
but not evil, but [dismayed] estranged.
Indigo eyes, Indigo eyes,
Indigo eyes, Indigo eyes.
With grey desire he looks out (mad) his soft grey indigo eyes, indigo eyes ...
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
Swiss Air Force: "Push the Limit"
"I want you to know this: Use your heart to love SOMEBODY. And if your heart is big enough ... Use your heart to love EVERYBODY!" - Stevie Wonder, in this clip
(It's my yearly posting of this. I first shared Stevie Wonder "As (2008)" in summer 2017. :-) )
R.E.M. "World Leader Pretend" - This song has meant much to me, in terms of personal development and growth.
Friday, September 8, 2017
Tuesday, August 15, 2017
Stevie Wonder "As (2008)" and R.E.M. "World Leader Pretend"
R.E.M. "World Leader Pretend" - This song has meant much to me, in terms of personal development and growth.