(Answered by Mary Jane Underwood on quora.com.)
I believe I was a narcissist. I use the word was since I no longer feel the need to; manipulate others into getting what I want, blame others for my downfalls, feel the need to be special & believe the world revolves around me, & I realize that my actions do affect those around me. Four years ago on the other hand, it was the complete opposite & I prioritized my self image & what others thought of me. I managed to fabricate my reality (with a lot of help from social media) by only exhibiting the good parts about me & locking away all my vulnerabilities. There was no way I was going to show anyone who I really was because deep down I wanted to be sought as the opposite of how I felt- broken. When my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) would shed light on my abusive behavior & explained how I could easily make him feel worthless, I denied any responsibility & faulted him for having low self esteem. This is commonly known as gas lighting. I was never professionally diagnosed with NPD, however these tendencies I described above hindered me from growing meaningful relationships, as I would only truly care for myself & was inconsiderate of the feelings towards others.
Ironically, I always felt there was something off with me & I’m not quite sure if it was due to the fact that my parents conducted this absurd “exorcist ceremony” (they believed I was the devil because I was a 6 year old who cried specifically at 6 AM & 6 PM) & possibly conditioned my 6 year old brain that I was innately evil. There wasn’t a time in high school where I wasn’t constantly trying to self diagnose myself on Google, “why do I keep changing myself and beliefs depending on the person?” “Why do I not like showing people who I really am?” Despite the answers I’d come across, I was reluctant to change & was in denial with all of them.
It wasn’t until I was kicked out by 3 different family members’ homes in a span of 3 months at the age of 19 that I started shifting perspective. Two of those times I was nearly homeless, but I was fortunate that my boyfriend of whom I knew for only two months (who is now my husband) at the time was more than happy to take me in. As I was living with my boyfriend, I kept going back to my family members’ & yearned for their acceptance for almost a year. My social life, school life, & romantic life came to a halt as I was determined to win their affection & ultimately, prove to myself that I was lovable. This was the lowest point in my life as I felt betrayed by the people whom I trusted & loved the most, & there I was trying to please each & every one of them, slowly withering away what little integrity I had left. No matter how much I compromised myself in order to please them & to show them how sorry I was, I was still the black sheep & I ended up feeling drained & more empty inside with each interaction. The anxiety advanced as I constantly ruminated over past interactions & what I should have said or done, & theorizing why my actions were never justified while other family members’ same actions were.
Eventually, I absorbed myself in school to distract myself from the pain (I initially indulged myself in cigarettes & alcohol, but the pain worsened). There was one assignment where I had such a peculiar interest in & devoted all my time into making it perfect. I was always a perfectionist, but this distinct paper felt near & dear to me & held more value that at the time, I didn’t understand. The assignment was about Mental Illnesses & I chose to write about Narcissistic Personality Disorders. My knowledge on NPD was entirely basic, but I was captivated by the topic & genuinely wanted to know more. In hindsight, my body was trying to tell me something that I was in denial to my whole life. As I accumulated pertinent information, I finally began to feel different. Things seemed clearer & I felt like I had my answer. However, I didn’t initially see myself as the perpetrator; I saw myself as the victim. My emotions were on a roller coaster as I felt liberated by the truth & simultaneously shattered by the idea that the love I was receiving by my family all along was conditional. Knowing that this disorder plagued my entire family, I sought to eradicate it by discreetly illuminating them of NPD. I wanted to be heard & I knew that if I presented it outright, I would be ridiculed & shrugged off. Luckily, the assignment required conducting interviews with professionals & peers in order to get a consensus of how knowledgeable society was with the topic. I decided to interview random classmates & every family member in hopes that my abusers would resonate with it & eventually change. Almost all were just as uneducated with NPD as I was. The two that were capable of going in depth with the questions however, seemed to be uncomfortable & I perceived it as progress. Unfortunately, my naivety led me back into their abusive ways & their constant gaslighting, crippled me even more. I isolated & was consumed with anger.
Delirious, I became physically & emotionally abusive to my husband (boyfriend at the time) who not only supported me throughout the turmoil, but provided more love than I ever received by my family. To justify my abuse, I faulted him for not trying hard enough & that we were in a rut due to his lack of ambition & poor decision making skills(we were living with my family at the time). Many of his clothes were torn, watches, & any materials he was attached to I tried to destroy. This continued for almost a year… & without even realizing it, I was the epitome of who I hated. Retrospectively, I hated myself & everything. I hated how my parents physically & emotionally abused me, how my family members made me question my sanity, & how I couldn’t trust or depend on any of them. I constantly played the victim card & in the process I was creating another victim.
The physical abuse ceased to continue after less than a year, but the emotional abuse remained & heightened. Nonetheless, my boyfriend proposed to me. I was reluctant to say yes at first, but not because I didn’t love him but because I was unsure if he deserved me. As cheesy as this may sound, my heart wanted to say yes, but my body & mind knew that I wasn’t ready to give him the love he deserved, especially with everything I did to him. Five months after getting married, my husband experienced migraines & flu-like symptoms, resulting him to call in sick constantly for a month. We were both concerned & while he blamed his 50 hour work week, I had a feeling it was me. “Babe, did you ever feel like this before you met me?” “No, don’t worry too much. It’s just my work schedule,” he would answer. Finally, his primary doctor recommended him to a psychiatrist (we were fortunate that his company paid for our health insurance at the time) & he still felt uneasy & anxious. During his session, he said the psychiatrist primarily focused on the abuse that I inflicted, but felt it was unnecessary because it was more than a year since the last incident & still, he blamed his work schedule for his symptoms (we now recognize that he was experiencing Stockholm syndrome). At that moment, I knew I was a narcissist considering that I treated him like how my family collectively treated me & there he was experiencing the same symptoms I similarly experienced in the past. I was exactly like my family.
I understand why its so commonplace for people to believe that narcissists are reluctant to change & can never acknowledge their shortcomings because I was too far up my own ass to comprehend what kind of monster I really was. There were a lot of humbling experiences, but I do give significant amount of credit to my husband who provided me that unconditional love I never had growing up (seemingly enough, the narcissists in my family lacked that as well) which I believed allowed me to admit that I was a narcissist. The unconditional love, taking responsibility for my own actions, & not playing the victim card has definitely helped me leer away from my narcissistic tendencies. I know I still have a LOT of work to do, but I promised myself I will never hurt anyone like how I used to by inflicting that same pain my family did & to always act with integrity.
*NOTE: This is my own personal experience. Not saying all narcissists can admit they are one, but it is possible. If dealing with a narcissist & hoping for some change, be vigilant. The process of helping a narcissist has left me & my husband more drained than anything .
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