How do narcissists feel about the people who love them?

(Answered by Elinor Greenberg on quora.com)

Love and Narcissism

When they are being honest about the “L” word, most of my clients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder express some doubt that they actually are capable of what other people mean by “love.”

As Jeff said during his session: “I don’t think I really know what it means to love someone. There are people that I like being with more than others, there are women who I lust after, and there are people whose acceptance and admiration I crave. But love like in the movies, that’s not something I ever feel.”

So how do they feel about the people who love them?

This is a complicated question. Many of my married Narcissistic clients care about their mates and want the relationship to work. But…their lack of emotional empathy and their lack of object constancy limit the ways that they can experience and express positive feelings.

You might compare these Narcissistic clients to people who lack musical talent, but are trying to sing anyway.

Practicality vs. Love

Many of my Narcissistic clients have substituted practicality for love. Instead of asking themselves “Do I love this person who loves me?”, they ask themselves something much less romantic and more self-serving:

Do I need this person for anything?

• Am I lonely or bored?
• Would I like to have sex with this person?
• What is their status relative to mine?
• Are they a “catch”?
• Can they help me to rise in the hierarchy that I care about?
• Do they admire me?
• Will other people admire me more if I am with them?
• Are they wealthy and generous?
• Is it time to get married and start a family of my own?
• Should I get married so that I have someone to take care of me when I am old?

Hunting the Unicorn

Then there are some people with NPD who refuse to believe that it is their problem that they cannot deeply and consistently love someone who loves them. They convince themselves that if they do not love someone, it is because it is the other person’s fault.

They believe that there is a perfect person out there that they will find it easy to love. Each time they become infatuated with someone new, they idealize this person. Then as they inevitably discover the person’s flaws, they become disillusioned, and devalue, and discard them.

Punchline: If you love a Narcissist, you can save yourself some grief and disappointment by accepting that they are unlikely to be able to love you in the way you have always dreamed of being loved. You need to think a bit more practically and try and see this person accurately.

If they are hunting Unicorns, you are likely to get hurt when they discover you are a real person, not some mythical perfect beast. If they are simply seeing a relationship with you as the practical answer to some life issue, can you accept that? The one thing that you do need to understand is that just because you love them, this does not alter their limited capacity to love you back.