The forgotten or hidden part about nagging

When someone nags, what's also true is that this person has asked multiple times for resolution in an area - without receiving it.

Scheduled for completion on August 12

Payment will be made.
Thank you for the privilege of serving you and your family.
Thank you for kicking me out* of your family.
*In all things, give thanks.

Auvoirdupois

I have lost weight.
I have travelled down, through 2 (?) clothes sizes,  to ... (?)
I haven't bought any new clothes lately, so I am not sure what size I currently am.
It's interesting to see my smallest clothes swimming on me, now - and I must cinch fabric tight, around my waist - or else.
(Another time this happened, I was nursing a rapidly growing baby, and the weight just seemed to melt off me. At that time, various people volunteered that I could have some of Their excess weight, to carry for them, since I seemed to have less of my own to carry around.)

Stevie Wonder "As" (2008)

Leo Tolstoy on Kindness and the Measure of Love

[copied from brainpickings.org, by Maria Popova]

“Nothing can make our life, or the lives of other people, more beautiful than perpetual kindness.”

“Practice kindness all day to everybody and you will realize you’re already in heaven now,” Jack Kerouac wrote in a beautiful letter to his first wife and lifelong friend. Somehow, despite our sincerest intentions, we repeatedly fall short of this earthly divinity, so readily available yet so easily elusive. And yet in our culture, it has been aptly observed, “we are never as kind as we want to be, but nothing outrages us more than people being unkind to us.” In his stirring Syracuse commencement address, George Saunders confessed with unsentimental ruefulness: “What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness.” I doubt any decent person, upon candid reflection, would rank any other species of regret higher. To be human is to leap toward our highest moral potentialities, only to trip over the foibled actualities of our reflexive patterns. To be a good human is to keep leaping anyway. 

In the middle of his fifty-fifth year, Leo Tolstoy (September 9, 1828–November 20, 1910) set out to construct a reliable springboard for these moral leaps by compiling “a wise thought for every day of the year, from the greatest philosophers of all times and all people,” whose wisdom “gives one great inner force, calmness, and happiness” — thinkers and spiritual leaders who have shed light on what is most important in living a rewarding and meaningful life. Such a book, Tolstoy envisioned, would tell a person “about the Good Way of Life.” He spent the next seventeen years on the project.

In 1902, by then seriously ill and facing his own mortality, Tolstoy finally completed the manuscript under the working title A Wise Thought for Every Day. It was published two years later, in Russian, but it took nearly a century for the first English translation, by Peter Sekirin, to appear: A Calendar of Wisdom: Daily Thoughts to Nourish the Soul, Written and Selected from the World’s Sacred Texts (public library). For each day of the year, Tolstoy had selected several quotes by great thinkers around a particular theme, then contributed his own thoughts on the subject, with kindness as the pillar of the book’s moral sensibility.

Perhaps prompted by the creaturely severity and the clenching of heart induced by winter’s coldest, darkest days, or perhaps by the renewed resolve for moral betterment with which we face each new year, he writes in the entry for January 7:

The kinder and the more thoughtful a person is, the more kindness he can find in other people.

Kindness enriches our life; with kindness mysterious things become clear, difficult things become easy, and dull things become cheerful.

At the end of the month, in a sentiment Carl Sagan would come to echo in his lovely invitation to meet ignorance with kindness, Tolstoy writes:

You should respond with kindness toward evil done to you, and you will destroy in an evil person that pleasure which he derives from evil.

In the entry for February 3, he revisits the subject:

Kindness is for your soul as health is for your body: you do not notice it when you have it.

After copying out two kindness-related quotations from Jeremy Bentham (“A person becomes happy to the same extent to which he or she gives happiness to other people.”) and John Ruskin (“The will of God for us is to live in happiness and to take an interest in the lives of others.”), Tolstoy adds:

Love is real only when a person can sacrifice himself for another person. Only when a person forgets himself for the sake of another, and lives for another creature, only this kind of love can be called true love, and only in this love do we see the blessing and reward of life. This is the foundation of the world.

Nothing can make our life, or the lives of other people, more beautiful than perpetual kindness.

I know how much you care about me, and trust me

You have done me the discourtesy and dishonesty of leaving my jointly-held home inaccessible to me - at a time I could really make use of its fine, first-world comforts.

"Not even the undying love and loyalty of a tender, loving woman could cause him to self-reflect, and losing that love has no impact, either." - seen online

Eric Clapton "Wonderful Tonight" (Official Live Video)

Foto von Heute

Stevie Wonder "As" (2008)

2:47-3:03: I find these spoken words highly relevant to getting though life respectfully, graciously, beautifully - while in fellowship with others - not true?

[I share this clip every year, usually around late July. I can't see any reason why Today shouldn't be that day - eh?]

Midnight Oil "One Country"

Who'd like to change the world, who wants to shoot the curl.
Who gets to work for bread, who wants to get ahead
Who hands out equal rights, who starts and ends that fight
And not rant and rave, or end up a slave
Who can make hard won gains, fall like the summer rain
Now every man must be, what his life can be
So don't call me the tune - I will walk away
Who wants to please everyone, who says it all can be done
Still sit up on that fence, no one I've heard of yet
Don't call me baby, don't talk in maybes
Don't talk like has-beans, sing it like it should be
Who laughs at the nagging doubt, lying on a neon shroud [running around]
Just gotta touch someone, hey, I want to be [someone?]
So don't call me the tune - I will walk away
Don't call me the tune - I will walk away
Don't call me the tune - I will walk away
(One Country) Who wants to sit around, turn it up turn it down
Only a man can be, what his life can be
One vision, one people, one landmass
We are defenseless, we have a lifeline
One ocean, one policy, seabed lies
One passion, one movement, one instant
One difference, one lifetime, one understanding
(One country)
Transgression, redemption, one island blue
Our place (magic?), one firmament
One element, one moment, one fusion
Yes, and: one time.

Emotional Toolbox

I, Anna (for I do have a name, and a real entity), am rereading Elinor Greenberg’s book, “Borderline, Narcissistic and Schizoid Adaptations” and I have arrived at page 61, which suggests the idea of an emotional toolbox.
I have heard of this idea before - that of a helpful toolbox that is there for the person to make use of, to improve their experience of a moment.
I don’t know how much I have integrated and developed this concept, YET, for myself and those who interface with me. (Not much, I have to assume - as I don’t seem to be receiving the benefits from having turned to something useful that works.)
But: I can nevertheless output as is, or reformulate, what I take in from this book - and the useful works of others. To start with. I can grasp onto, derive meaning and value from, integrate and synthesize helpful ideas and approaches, which can help me travel from despair to greater competency.
So: right now, I will type out some perspective-enhancing comments that immediately resonate. Constructing a note card is suggested for the idea of a “real” object going into an actual, physical toolbox that a person can turn to for help - a note card with a helpful idea on it, to look at and hold.
I laughed heartily at the mentions of these two particular possibly helpful note cards: “You are taking this too seriously. This is not a cure for cancer.” and “Stop being so passive. You can complain or leave. This is not Auschwitz.”
d'Oh wow - ha ha ha ha ha! Some of my issues - well captured! I feel somewhat of a greater sense of perspective (mastery of scary situation?) already! Yay yay yay, and oyez oyez! :-) Coolio. I’m not in concentration camp, the outcome of the world is not hinging solely on my good output, and I am actually at least somewhat free to self-activate? What a freeing AND scary cognition, all in one. Heh. Let's see what comes next, in this helpful book that I am hoping can influence and guide some of my next phases of personal growth and recovery.

Every sweet tooth needs just a little hit (~now & again)

Cat Stevens "Moonshadow"

I can become able to do this thing

I can become able to be a better person - yes?
Do I want this - for Self and family, friends, contacts?
Will I become progressively able to do this - with a commitment, followed by real effort, to taking/making this so-called righteous path?
[And now I turn this around and ask YOU the same questions - for: that last bit was written by self, for self and others. ;-) ]

Linkin Park "My dcmbr"(Reanimation)

Linkin Park "Easier to Run" (with lyrics)

Nine Inch Nails "Down In It"

Kinda like a cloud, I was up, way up in the sky
And I was feeling some feelings you wouldn't believe
Sometimes I don't believe them myself
And I decided I was never coming down
Just then a tiny little dot caught my eye
It was just about too small to see
But I watched it way too long
That dot was pulling me down
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
Now I'm down in it
Shut up
So what what does it matter now
I was swimming in the hate now I crawl on the ground
And everything I never liked about you
Is kind of seeping into me
I try to laugh about it now but isn't it funny how everything works out
I guess the jokes on me, she said
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
I used to be so big and strong
I used to know my right from wrong
I used to never be afraid
I used to be somebody
I used to have something inside
Now just this hole it's open wide
Used to want it all
I used to be somebody
I'll cross my heart and hope to die
But the needle's already in my eye
And all the world's weight is on my back and I don't even know why.
And what I used to think was me is just a fading memory
I looked him right in the eye and said goodbye
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
Now I'm down in it
I was up above it
I was up above it
Now I'm down in it
Rain rain go away
Come again some other day
Rain rain go away
Come again some other day
Rain rain go away
Come again some other day
Rain rain go away
Come again some other day
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
I was up above it
Now I'm down in it

the Future of Applied Neuroscience in Education

to Behold, if one chooses that: an article that is really waking up my brain, today.
-> A call to action?

"The Future of Applied Neuroscience in Education: Transitioning from Leading with the Left to Leading with the Right"

by Thedy Veliz, June 24, 2019

Education is not about learning to make a living, but rather about learning to live a life. In neuroscience terms this means that we need to transition from the left-brain qualities of rigidity and control to the right-brain qualities of flexibility and attending to the uniqueness of each individual student. Here are three ways in which this can be accomplished:

From knowing about the brain (left brain) to operationalizing such knowledge through the way we manage our relationship as a caregiver (e.g., teacher, counselor, administrator, sports coach) with a student.

It does not help a student for caregivers to be able to know about the brain if “when the rubber meets the road” the information is not operationalized through “right-brain-to-right-brain” (Schore, 2002, p. 7) communications within a “two-person psychology” (Schore, 2012, p. 436). Thus, we are at a point where caregivers need the tools to transition from “knowing” about the brain to “being” a different type of person based on this information. This requires an embodied way of attending (McGilchrist, 2019) that shields oneself from the societal dynamics that might be working against us being able to do just that (Courtwright, 2019).

From expecting the child to fit “the road” to helping the child create his own “unique road”.

Traditional education appears to not fit the needs of children that are deemed highly reactive (15-20% of the population) (Boyce, 2019); and who are smarter, more creative, and sensitive. These children require a different learning style that requires hands on applications (e.g., design learning), working with the hands for an adequate balance of “here and now” neurochemicals and dopamine (Lieberman and Long, 2018), and going at the child’s own individual pace of knowledge acquisition reflective of the new field of educational genomics (Gaysina, 2016) – the equivalent of individualized medicine. Pioneers in this area include Boston College’s professor of Education Peter Gray (Gray, 2015) author of Free to Learn; and Scott Barry Kaufman, author of Ungifted: Intelligence Redefined. These highly reactive children due to their sensitivity are highly creative, and we know from a creativity resident study conducted at The University of California Berkeley in the 1960s by Frank X. Barron that “the average creative writer was in the top 15% of the general population on all measures of psychopathology”, but also “scored extremely high on all measures of psychological health (Kaufman, 2015, p. xxiii).

From expecting children to self-regulate to accepting that many may need to be co-regulated by consistent and reliable caregivers as part of their educational experience.

In 2010, Jelena Obradovic from Stanford’s Graduate School of Education and her colleagues published a study suggesting that how teachers engage with and relate to classroom dynamics influences the effect of social hierarchy on social inequality (e.g., health disparities) (Obradovic et al., 2010). Based on an observational study of 29 kindergarten classrooms in the San Francisco Bay Area, a social hierarchy was developed for each classroom based on social dominance resulting on the more highly reactive (i.e., orchid) children being placed at the bottom of the hierarchy.

The study found a correlation between the place on the hierarchy and depression-like symptoms (e.g., lower grades, more depression, more problems paying attention, lower positive peer relations). However, this relationship did not exist in all classrooms. Children at the bottom of the hierarchy only showed measures of lower outcomes if teachers ignored and/or fostered social dominant relationships. In classrooms in which teachers used more child-centered egalitarian practices (a measure developed at Stanford), the students’ place in the hierarchy did not have an effect on their socioemotional, behavioral, and academic health.

In other words, the association between social position and health starts to disappear as the classroom becomes more egalitarian through the leadership of the teacher. What this study is suggesting is that people (in order to have a fair chance towards personal and professional development) are not necessarily bound by their social standing so long as their emotional wellness is attended to. Thus, we might not be able to quickly upgrade people’s social standing, but by attending to their unique sensitivities at a very early age we might be able to provide them with a chance towards optimal development.

In his recently published book, The Orchid and the Dandelion, Thomas Boyce states that “Orchids subjected to the exigencies of steep competition for dominance positions may also be substantially more jeopardized and undone by the difficulties that accompany such competition. Thus orchids relegated to low-ranking roles, where marginalization and social isolation prevail, may more often experience subjugation, stress, and symptoms of despair, leading to psychological and physical duress. On the other hand, orchids achieving high social ranks may be more visibly rewarded with the strong mental health and developmental achievements that such ranks engender” (Boyce, 2019, p. 148).

Adapted from IAAN’s 1st International Conference of Applied Neuroscience Round Table Discussion: Applied Neuroscience in clinical practice and education. What difference does it make? on May 23, 2019, Sydney, Australia.

References:

Obradović, J., Bush, N. R., Stamperdahl, J., Adler, N. E., & Boyce, W. T. (2010). Biological sensitivity to context: The interactive effects of stress reactivity and family adversity on socioemotional behavior and school readiness. Child Development, 81(1), 270-289.

Schore, A. N. (2002). Advances in neuropsychoanalysis, attachment theory, and trauma research: Implications for self psychology. Psychoanalytic Inquiry, 22(3), 433-484.

Schore, A. N. (2012). The Science of the Art of Psychotherapy (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology). New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company.

Boyce, W. T. (2019). The orchid and the dandelion: Why some children struggle and how all can thrive. New York, NY: Alfred A. Knopf.

McGilchrist, I. (2019). Ways of attending: How our divided brain constructs the world. London, England: Routledge.

Lieberman, D. Z., & Long, M. E. (2018). The Molecule of More: How a single chemical in your brain drives love, sex, and creativity – and will determine the fate of the human race. Dallas, TX: BenBella Books, Inc.

Gaysina, D. (2016). Educational genomics: Tailoring teaching to our individual DNA. Retrieved from: https://geneticliteracyproject.org/2016/11/17/educational-genomics-tailoring-teaching-individual-dna/

Gray, P. (2015). Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life. New York, NY: Basic Books.

Kaufman, S. B. (2013). Ungifted: Intelligence redefined. New York, NY: Basic Books. Courtwright, D. T. (2019). The age of addiction: How bad habits become big business. Cambridge, MA: The Belknap Press of Harvard University Press.

Thedy Veliz, MBA, MA is a Relational & Developmental Neuro-Therapeutic Consulting CoachSM, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and Certified Applied Clinical Neuroscience Professional. He is a resident expert and regular contributor for The Science of Psychotherapy, and has a private practice in Los Gatos, California, USA. He can be reached at people-systems.net.

https://www.thescienceofpsychotherapy.com/the-future-of-applied-neuroscience-in-education/?fbclid=IwAR1AEbQjRVa7_Ana3E8TbM1tEajT_CdByfU-_6CArYUZNL8eF2TVvlnC1uA

Personality disorders common to children of narcissistic parents

What personality disorders are common in children of narcissistic parents? [Answered by Elinor Greenberg.]

The children of Narcissistic parents who develop personality disorders (and not all do) generally become either Narcissistic or Schizoid. A few develop Borderline Personality Disorder. A lot depends on how abusive the parents are and whether they share their Narcissistic supplies with their children or only devalue and abuse them.

In my clinical experience of 40 + years, here are the most common pairings of Narcissistic parents and the children their style of parenting produces. I will go from least damaging to most damaging.

High Functioning Achievement Oriented Narcissistic Parents

Family Motto: We are special.

These Narcissistic parents are focused on everyone in the family looking good and becoming high achievers. Although they have little empathy and insist that their children conform to their expectations, they will praise their children whenever they do well in school, win awards, or otherwise fulfill their assigned role in the family.

Many children from these families grow up to be high functioning Narcissists themselves and the family pattern gets perpetuated.

Exhibitionist Narcissist Parents

Family Motto: I am special, you are not.

In this scenario one or both parents are Exhibitionisis Narcissists who insist that their children (and everyone else) continually admire and respect them. They want to be the center of attention in every situation.

The children’s role is to uncritically admire and obey them and treat them as Gods. Their every whim is law and their opinions are sacred. When the children do not go along with this program, they are devalued. They get rewarded with gifts, privileges, and attention when they do exactly as the parents say. Any individual initiative on the part of the children that is perceived as threatening the parents’ leadership is likely to be ruthlessly squashed. In essence the children are expected to believe and do whatever the parents tell them to. Anything else is seen as a rebellion.

Children from these homes grow up to have lower self esteem than those from the “High Functioning Achievement Oriented Narcissists’” homes. They have been devalued more frequently and almost never allowed to be the center of admiring attention at home.

As adults, they become wounded Narcissists who either seek to prove their parents wrong by focusing on getting the status that they were denied access to at home, or else they accept their role as perpetually second class. Even when they manage to achieve, their internal doubts about their own self worth will continually create problems for them unless they get a lot of psychotherapy.

Closet (Covert) Narcissist Parents

Family Motto: You are special, your siblings are not.

These Narcissistic parents are often too insecure about their own self-worth to openly seek the admiration that they crave. If they happen to have a talented child, they are likely to use the child to get Narcissistic supplies for themselves.

The Golden Child: This “Golden Child” will be groomed by the parents to be the type of Exhibitionist Narcissist the parents always admired, but never dared emulate themselves. This child is usually uncritically praised by the parents for any and all achievements.

In some cases these children do quite well in life as they are prepared to see themselves as special and they are not conflicted about being in the spotlight.

In other cases, they are disappointed when they realize that there are other equally talented people in the world and they are no longer automatically acknowledged as “best.”

The Siblings: If the “Golden Child” has less obviously talented siblings, they are likely to grow up without getting very much attention from their parents. This lack of Narcissistic supplies is likely to leave them feeling ignored, devalued, and second-rate.

The “Golden Child” may experience the parents as extremely intrusive and blame them for any later disillusionment (that he or she is not really so unique and special). As adults, they may be perpetually dissatisfied by their level of achievement because they never again feel the degree of specialness that their parents convinced them was their birthright.

In some cases, these children when they reach adulthood move far away from their families because they want to try to live their own lives without the pressure to fulfill their parents’ dreams.

Exhibitionist Devaluing Narcissist Parents

Family Motto: You will not get any help from us until you are good enough, and you will never be good enough.

These parents insist on being admired and give their offspring conflicting signals. They hold out the possibility of approval and respect as a way to control their children. They make many promises that they never keep.

According to them, it is always the children’s own fault that they were disappointed in the end. If only the children were smarter or better behaved, of course they would have gotten (a, b, or c ... fill in the blank).

Many of these children believe their parents’ version of the story and feel tortured by their inability to live up to their parents’ expectations. Self-esteem is always just out of reach.

When the constant devaluation and disappointment is combined with indifference, intrusiveness, and actual physical neglect, many of these children make a Schizoid adaptation.

The Schizoid Child: At an early age they realize that they are on their own and will have to take care of themselves. They cannot count on their parents for anything.

Independent: Those who have the intelligence and resilience, become fiercely independent. They comfort themselves with the idea that once they are old enough to leave home, they will get the real life that they long for and dream about. In reality, once grown, they find out that their disturbing childhood left them mistrustful and fearful around other people and they may find it difficult to make meaningful connections.

Mistreated Bodies: They also tend to treat their bodies the way their parents treated them: as things without feelings that are there simply to be useful. This generally translates into them becoming dissociated from their feelings and bodily sensations and often working till they are literally exhausted and ill.

Malignant or Toxic Narcissist Parents

Family Motto: You live to serve me.

These Narcissistic parents treat their children as slaves. The children have no rights and get no respect. Their parents treat them as inhuman tools without feelings who exist mainly to serve the parents’ needs. These parents often have a sadistic streak and may actively abuse their children. Sometimes the abuse takes physical form and the children are regularly beaten for disobedience of any kind.

The Rebel Son: One young man reported that his family had a particularly ritualized way of physically abusing him. When he displeased his Narcissistic mother during the day, she would tell his step father when he came home from work that the boy needed to be punished. After dinner, the boy would have to choose the item with which he would be beaten from a wall of implements: various sized sticks and short whips.

This boy’s spirit was never broken. He did not grow up to have a Narcissistic or a Schizoid adaptation. Instead he became extremely rebellious and resisted any and all forms of authority. His family was upper class and extremely status conscious and pretentious. One of his forms of rebellion and revenge consisted of him becoming a petty criminal and pretending to be working class. He saw this as the ultimate rejection of his family and as a perpetual source of embarrassment for them.

The Broken Son: Another young man never managed to fully leave his abusive family. Despite being quite good-looking, he saw himself as fat, unattractive, and unappealing to women. He had body-dysmorphic disorder and extremely low self-esteem from being continually told that he was ugly and useless.

He was what I think of as a “failed Narcissist.” He had internalized his family’s Narcissistic values, but was convinced that he was too inferior to ever achieve anything significant. Instead he focused his insecurities on his appearance. He comforted himself with the fantasy that he would date someday and get a better job when he was thinner and had worked out at the gym enough to get a better physique.

The Schizoid Child: Some children internalize being treated as a slave without feelings as a model of all relationships. They see most forms of contact with other people as potentially dangerous. In their experience, there are only two possible relationship roles: either you are the “Master” and call all the shots or you are the “Slave” and have to do whatever the Master wants in order to keep the relationship. No negotiation is possible. Relationships are a take it or leave it proposition. The only alternative is to isolate yourself completely.

Punchline: There are many different ways to be a Narcissistic family and some are much harder on children. Children tend to adapt to the family that they find themselves in and adopt that family's value system. This makes it likely that the children will grow up with a Narcissistic disorder of some kind or, at the very least, many Narcissistic traits. In more abusive and neglectful Narcissistic families, many children make a Schizoid adaptation to survive.

Elinor Greenberg, PhD, CGP, In private practice in NYC and the author of the book: "Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety."

www.elinorgreenberg.com

[https://www.quora.com/What-personality-disorders-are-common-in-children-of-narcissistic-parents/answer/Elinor-Greenberg?ch=10&share=f6221e53&srid=BipZ]

How to improve relations with self-absorbed

[https://www.mercurynews.com/2019/05/31/how-do-i-improve-relations-with-my-self-absorbed-mom] DEAR CAROLYN: I need guidance on how to improve relations with my mother. While she is loving with me and my siblings, she tends to be extremely self-absorbed and unaware during conversation. She has the uncanny ability to flip even the most mundane conversation into something about her; she will interrupt, speak over, and redirect conversation in her favor. She almost never asks questions about me, my work, life, or partner — much less about his life. When I do open up to her about events in my life, she is uninterested and distracted, only to (again) turn the conversation toward her. Not only is this frustrating, but it hurts. I have previously confronted her about feeling invalidated, and it resulted with her in tears and acting victimized. Carolyn, how can I help my mother actually listen and understand how I am feeling? I love and respect my mother and want nothing more than to have a better relationship with her. Unintentionally Distant Daughter DEAR DISTANT: You can’t build a better relationship on hopes that she’ll become someone else. Your mother is self-absorbed, unaware, uninterested, incurious, distracted; doesn’t listen, interrupts, talks over, turns all conversations back to herself; and, the killer of all rational hopes, she is defensive. Defensiveness says, “I am not psychologically ready or willing to see myself as the person at fault and who therefore needs to change.” In casting herself as the victim, refusing to examine either your feelings about her or your requests of her, your mother shows a clear lack of interest in changing. You also can’t build a better relationship upon an emotional misconception — in this case, taking personally what isn’t personal. I do understand and gladly validate your frustration with her. Talking to your mom sounds deeply unsatisfying. But when you say this “hurts,” that also says you take your mother’s limited attention personally, as a negative assessment of your worthiness of her full attention. Yet I don’t see any evidence to support this interpretation. If she is distracted and self-centered not just with you, but with everyone in general — which is not only the impression your letter gives, but also how self-absorption tends to work — then how can it reflect how she feels about you specifically? As you’ve described them, the behaviors reflect only on her. Is she, in fact, as badly disengaged from your siblings as she is from you? Does she turn conversations with everyone back to herself? If her failure to engage is reserved just for you, then being hurt would make sense. Of course. Acutely. Either way, though, if you think of those as two paths on a flow chart — 1. “She does this to everybody”; 2. “She does this only to me” — then they both still end up pointing to the same square: Accept her limitations. Showing an interest in your life/others’ lives is not how your mother shows love. Period. You do say she’s “loving with me and my siblings” — which says she has some other way of showing she cares about you. To have a better relationship with your mom, I suggest you identify exactly which of her actions lead you to describe her that way and focus on those. Meet her there, at that one clear, emotional place where you know she is able to be. Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

Lynyrd Skynyrd "Simple Man" with lyrics

Housing needed

I need immediate housing. Please contact if you think you can help.

Linkin Park "Valentine's Day" + lyrics

"I used to be my own protection, but not now - 'cause my PERP has lost direction - Somehow."

Hutchinson River Parkway U2 "Breathe"

16th of June, 9:05, doorbell rings, man at the door says
"if I want to stay alive a bit longer,
there's 3 things I need you to know: 3!"
Coming from a long line of travelling sales people on my mother's side
I wasn't gonna buy just anyone's cockatoo.
So why would I invite a complete stranger into my home? - Would you?
These days are better than that
These days are better than that
Every day I die again and again I'm reborn
Every day I have to find the courage
To walk out into the street
With arms out, got a love you can't defeat
Neither down or out
There's nothing you have that I need,
I can breathe, breathe now
16th of June, Chinese stocks are going up
And I'm coming down with some Malaysian virus
Ju Ju man, Ju Ju man
Doc says you're fine or dying
Please: 9:09, St John divine on the line, my pulse is fine,
but I'm running down the road like loose electricity,
while the band in my head plays a striptease.
The roar that lies, on the other side of silence,
The forest fire that is fear so deny it
Walk out into the street,
Sing your heart out
The people we meet
will not be drowned out
There's nothing you have that I need
I can breathe, breathe now
We are people born of sound
the songs are in our eyes
Born to wear them like a crown, oh
Walk out into the sunburst street
Sing your heart out
Sing my heart out
I found grace inside the sound
I found grace, it's all I found.
And I can breathe, breathe now.

Swiss Air Force - Push the Limit

Christy Moore "Ride On"

Adrenaline Junkie's Anthem -> Kaizen!

... Where has the [appropriate] fear response gone?

Perhaps its "module" has been partially destroyed, or overwritten by malicious code?

"You think THIS is dangerous stuff?! It ain't Even a Thrill!"

Linkin Park "Valentine's Day"

Howard Jones "What is Love"

I'm moving this video back to the top, today:

"Can anybody love anyone so much that they will never fear, never worry, never be sad? The answer is: they cannot love this much, nobody can. This is why I don't mind you doubting." ... and ...
"And maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be. The door must always be left unlocked - to love, when circumstance may lead someone away from you - and not to spend the time just Doubting."

Incubus "Drive" (official)

This is another song that found its way to my ears today:

Sometimes I feel the fear of the uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive, oh oh
It's driven me before, and it seems to be the way
That everyone else gets around
Lately, I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
Would you choose water over wine... hold the wheel and drive?
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there

Cat Stevens "Two Fine People"

Nice song - I smiled a lot over this one, when I was a college student.

What confuses a narcissist?

(Answered on Quora by Ula Douglas)

In short, your NT emotional response. They cannot relate to it at all, just like you cannot relate to their way of thinking.

This is the longer answer —

Narcissistic emotional response is “turned inwards” and relates only to self. You, however, are preoccupied with how it relates to you and them, that’s why there are so many questions here from people about how they think or feel, and not one coming from narcissists regarding how you do, aside from blaming you for lacking empathy towards them and stigmatizing mental illness, or attacking you for assumed “emotional weakness” and “whining”. Really, even after reading all the accounts, the truth about how their disorder affects others, escapes them.

People wouldn’t be stigmatizing NPD unless it affected them negatively, which it does, unfortunately.

When Narcissists write about how the disorder affects them in negative ways, people upvote the honesty. Are your responses upvoted for their honesty? No, unless you write how you view yourself as a codependent (no offense to codependents) who needs to dig deeper into your broken self and “take responsibility” for your own abuse. Now, such honesty is relatable. Otherwise, your accounts are “whining and bitching”, or simply “fake news”. Try saying that you’re just a regular person. No, that cannot be! There must be something wrong with you to have put up with abuse. Is that really so? I beg to differ. Perhaps people just loved them. I won’t apologize for that.

But love is something narcissists don’t “get”. It’s one of the things that puzzles them, therefore demanding to be explained in terms of a mental anomaly.

Moving on.

There are a few exceptions to these neverending debates, notably from diagnosed narcissists who have come a long way in therapy and faced the fact that they have hurt people before.

You see, most Narcissists you have met in your lives have it all figured out. After all, grandiosity is one of the listed criteria for the official clinical diagnosis. They view themselves as superior to you, which is delusional. Instead of thinking “I lack in emotional response, which is regrettable as it precludes me from relating well to others”, they think “I’m superior because I’m unencumbered by emotions I never felt and don’t really want. I will do as I please, and there is nothing you can do about it, because I’m so much better at manipulating you than you are at manipulating me.”

In fact, only truly malignant narcissists are good at manipulation, at least that’s what people report. They manage to manipulate people who love them for years.

The one I dated was the “vulnerable” kind who wasn’t that good at it. Sure he succeeded when he used sex or pity, but that’s about it. That’s common among non-narcissists. And sure, I take full responsibility for feeding his compulsion. That’s long in the past, but it occurred. Still, I hardly feel grateful for him exploiting my feelings of love and pity. The fact remains that he was doing it all with a cold heart and ill intent. As soon as I understood this, I started to lose feelings for him. I could no longer love someone who lacked basic humaneness, or believe he had any, anymore. By the time of the infamous “discard” , I was disappointed rather than heartbroken.

He had no clue as to what I felt. I cannot begin to tell you how many times he asked me to explain my emotions to him. They puzzled him and, at times, made him really insecure. It was strange to witness. We are so used to our expressed emotions being understood by others. You don’t have to tell a person, “You made me angry, so what I say to you next would be expressing that anger”, or “I feel like being humorous and telling you a joke now. Ok, here goes…” No. You simply express anger, or tell a joke, and another person understands your intentions.

Narcissists tend to misinterpret your emotions. It’s hard to deal with, frankly, because it’s fairly easy for almost everyone else to understand them. So much is lost in translation.

Confusion breeds resentment, so being confused and misunderstanding your emotions triggers “devaluation”, to use our forum’s vernacular. You seem like too much to a narc at some point, with your questions and demands and pleas, and it’s puzzling… and oh so boring, too (sarcasm).

Seen on Quora, the question "What screams mentally healthy?"

Answer by Elinor Greenberg:
When I think of the people I know who I consider mentally healthy, they tend to have many of the following traits:
They have a sense of humor about themselves and life events.
They can continue functioning effectively during difficult times.
They take care of their health.
They pay their bills on time.
They are usually kind to people.
They know what they like.
They can make their own decisions.
They complete most projects that they start.
They are reliable.
They have a group of friends.
They save for the future.
They are responsible with money.
They can hold their temper.

How to Lose Her (Again)

Seen elsewhere:
This is how you lose her when she wanted to be yours
You lose her when you stop paying attention to her. To her feelings. To the changes in her behavior. To the sadness in her eyes. To the things she’s been subtly asking you to do but you’ve been oblivious to them all.
You lose her when you give her the feeling that her presence in your life is not important. That you’re fine without her, that you don’t need her in your life as much as she needs you. When you make her feel that spending time with her is an obligation and not something that will make your day better.

Words on my mind upon awakening

[I came awake, feeling in a sort of cloud of English language words - just a diffuse cloud of meaning that could be put into words, I thought.]

Careless

Indifferent

(Cruel)

Neglectful

Distracted

"It only Seeeeeeems like I'm lying to you ... you have it all wrong"

After he came back from the Gilroy outlets:

"What did you buy me?" ;-)D

"We didn't buy anything."

However, later, the mostly-empty laundry basket reveals:

So, this means that ... my eyes and ears deceive me ... according to what he'd like me to believe.
He would like me to believe that red equals white, and that what I'm seeing is not real (?).

Quora question about "no"

My husband plays around too much, and doesn’t listen to me when I say “no” the first time. Would that teach my daughter that “no” means “yes”?

Answer by Suzanne Lehman:

Ah. You have stumbled upon the only rule that cannot be broken in my house. I have told a neighbor’s son, who threw his 10-years younger sister into our pool while she screamed, “No! No! Stop! NO! NO!”, that he was teaching her that she should not expect men to respect her and that she cannot expect him to protect her. He looked like I had slapped him awake. 5 minutes later, I thought that 16 year old was going to cry as he took his baby sister by the hand and gave her a big hug and told her he was sorry for throwing her in the pool and he was sorry for not listening to her.

In our house, “no” means “no” and “stop” means “stop”. This works both ways. I cannot laughingly say “oh, just stop!” if I really want my husband’s kisses or snuggles to continue. He will stop. Likewise, my daughters have to stop tickling their brother the FIRST time he says, “stop”. We have 3 girls and a boy. My girls and my boy have learned to say what they mean and mean what they say. It’s Biblical AND it’s exceptionally good advice in nearly all circumstances AND it’s not a lesson most girls in our country (or in the world?) learn.

Our son is now 16 years old and has a long-term girlfriend. She spends a lot of time at our house. Early on, I enforced her every “no” - tickles, hugs, teasing - not because my son didn’t stop but because she didn’t understand WHY HE DID. She eventually learned that she could actually trust that our son would stop if she said, “stop”. She was more fragile and a bit of a victim when she first started dating our son. She is so much more confident now and she has taken this lesson home to her two older brothers. She doesn’t put up with their crap any more.

So, I say that yes, your daughter will learn that her voice is meaningless, that her father will not respect her, and that, therefore, she should neither expect nor demand that respect from other men in her life. The conversation with the dad is a delicate one but focus on who he DOES want her to be and what he DOES want her to learn. Instead of saying, “don’t do that”, tell him how to empower his daughter so that she is less likely to be a victim. Tell him you read it somewhere.

What he teaches her by his words and deeds will be the framework by which she subconsciously judges her future husband. Does her dad want her to marry a man who respects her? Then he has to be that man - the man he wants his daughter to marry.

Blessings.

Edit: I have never had more than a handful of upvotes. I have never had a share. In this moment, I am SO hopeful for our world. Bless you all and may we continue to sow respect through love.

Did Einstein really define insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"?

https://qr.ae/TWXWQk

You can choose who greets you

If you want to keep pulling "bad Anna" out of me - then keep doing what you've always done, "Luv"!
https://qr.ae/TWXWQkhttps://qr.ae/TWXWQk

I am NOT going to survive

None of us get out of this thing called life, alive.

I am going to survive

I must see it frequently, if I wear it:
["I am going to survive this person I met."]

Linkin Park "In the End" (official video) with lyrics

[Chester Bennington:]It starts with one thing -
[Mike Shinoda:] One thing I don't know why -
it doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
to explain in due time

All I know:
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
the clock ticks life away.

It's so unreal,
didn't look out below.
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, didn't even know:
I wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside
and even though I tried,
it all fell apart
What it meant to me
will eventually be a memory
of a time

I tried so hard
and got so far -
but in the end,
it doesn't even matter
I had to fall
to lose it all
but in the end,
It doesn't even matter.

One thing, I don't know why,
Iit doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
to remind myself how I tried so hard

In spite of the way you were mocking me,
acting like I was part of your property,
remembering all the times you fought with me -
I'm surprised it got so far.

Things aren't the way they were before,
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore.
Not that you knew me back then -
but it all comes back to me in the end.

You kept everything inside
and even though I tried,
it all fell apart.
What it meant to me
will eventually be a memory
of a time when I tried so hard

I tried so hard
and got so far -
but in the end,
it doesn't even matter.
I had to fall
to lose it all -
but in the end,
it doesn't even matter.

I've put my trust in you,
pushed as far as I can go -
For all this,
there's only one thing you should know:

I've put my trust in you,
pushed as far as I can go -
For all this,
there's only one thing you should know:

I tried so hard
and got so far
but in the end,
it doesn't even matter.
I had to fall
to lose it all -
but in the end,
it doesn't even matter.

Suzanne Vega "Knight Moves" video

Watch while the queen
in one false move
turns herself into a pawn
Sleepy and shaken,
and watching while the blurry night,
Turns into a very clear dawn

Do you love any, do you love none,
do you love many, can you love one,
do you love me?

Do you love any, do you love none,
do you love twenty, can you love one,
do you love me?

One false move
and a secret prophecy
Well, if you hold it against her,
first hold it up and see
that it's one side stone,
one side fire -
standing alone among all men's desire

They want to know:
Do you love any, do you love none,
Do you love many, can you love one,
do you love me?

Do you love any, do you love none,
Do you love twenty, can you love one,
do you love me?

and if you wonder
what I am doing
as I am heading
for the sink
I am spitting out
all the bitterness
along with half of my last drink
I am thinking
of your woman
who is crying in the hall
It's like drinking gasoline
to quench a thirst
until there's nothing there left at all

Do you love any, do you love none,
do you love many, can you love one,
do you love me?

Do you love any, do you love none,
do you love twenty, can you love one,
do you love me?

and "Walk on her blind side"
was the answer to the joke
that said there isn't a political bone
in her body

Well, she would rather be a riddle
but she keeps challenging the future
with a profound lack of history

Do you love any, do you love none,
do you love many, can you love one,
do you love me?

Do you love any, do you love none,
do you love twenty, can you love one,
do you love me?

And watch while the queen
in one false move
turns herself into a pawn
Sleepy and shaken
and watching while the blurry night
turns into a very clear dawn

Do you love me? (x 6)

Suzanne Vega "Solitude Standing" with lyrics

Solitude stands by the window
She turns her head as I walk in the room
I can see by her eyes she's been waiting
Standing in the slant of the late afternoon
and she turns to me with her hand extended
[her] palm is split with a flower, with a flame

Solitude stands in the doorway
I'm struck once again by her black silhouette
by her long cool stare and her silence
I suddenly remember each time we've met
and she turns to me with her hand extended
(her) palm is split with a flower with a flame

and she says "I've come to set a twisted thing straight"
and she says "I've come to lighten this dark heart"
and she takes my wrist, I feel her imprint of fear
and I said, "I never thought of finding you here"

and I turn to the crowd as they're watching
They're sitting all together in the dark, in the warm
I wanted to be in there, among them
I see how their eyes are gathered into one

Then she turns to me with her hand extended
[her] palm is split with a flower, with a flame

and she says "I've come to set a twisted thing straight"
and she says "l've come to lighten this dark heart"
and she takes my wrist, I feel her imprint of fear
and I said, "I never thought of finding you here"

Solitude stands in the doorway
I'm struck once again by her black silhouette
by her long cool stare and her silence
I suddenly remember each time we've met
and she turns to me with her hand extended
[her] palm is split with a flower, with a flame

Best way to please a woman?

From Quora.com, answered by Davidson Joulot

Question: What is something that almost nobody knows about pleasing a woman?

You can spend hours with your head in between her thighs, her hips spasm with seizures, and her eyes rolled back but none of it is equal to pleasing a woman emotionally.

You can last 40 minutes in her in the most bizarre positions, still it will not be as effective as pleasing her emotionally.

What do I mean by pleasing her emotionally?

Many people confuse sexual pleasure with pleasing their partner, but in truth that’s only part of it. And you don’t need to be a sex god to please a woman. All you have to do is understand her.

Imagine a push to start car, you can get it on but if you don’t know that you need to press on the brake while you push the engine button you are going to spend quite a while in the parking lot lost and not knowing what you are doing wrong. Then as soon as you start to understand the car, you are able to start it in seconds.

The same with driving stickshift. If you understand how to drive a stickshift you will save thousands from updating an average car to an automatic. And the more luxurious the car is the more you will have to pay to convert it to automatic.

The same with a woman. Once you try to understand her and listen to her the easier the relationship will be and the easier it’ll be to please her.

A woman needs to be pleased emotionally in her late teens, 20’s, 30’s 50’s and all the way to her elderly age. So the sooner you master it the more fruitful and rewarding your relationship will be with her.

Men, we need to realize women as much as we hear of super strong feminism we should not be afraid of women in politics or women flying our space ships, we support her. Once we stop questioning them we can start seeing women as our partners and let her be our support to push forward in technology and social changes.

And in truth pleasing a woman is the easiest thing a man can ever do.

You support her. Not by paying all the bills and buying her new cars, but you support her by letting her know that she can be the best chef, doctor, lawyer, mayor or CEO of the best Fortune 500 company. Our ego will make us think that if she becomes a lawyer and you are still a teacher she might feel better than you. But you have to realize that for her to become a lawyer you were the one that picked up the kids, fixed her supper on her late nights after long studies, and made sure her car was always clean and tuned for her to never get stuck on the road. As much as you’d love to believe it that she can easily find another man that can do that, she won’t because you made sure you are the best man she’ll ever have laid her eyes on.

A woman’s erogenous zones are not the strongest place to please a woman. Her ears are the best place to please her. A man will sit in a football field next to his father after practice and he’ll tell him, “One day, son, these stands are going to scream your name.” You believe him. It makes you feel good. The same with a woman. She need to hear the words. Her ears help her believe. “Baby, the last two years you stayed home to look after our daughter. Three years from now our daughter and I are going to sit in your graduation after you complete law school.” And when that day happens she’ll feel like wow, he saw it and believe it. And these are the moments that makes a woman proud to see your feature in her children’s faces.

The third way to please a woman is by keeping your words. You said you were going to pick up the kids, do it. You said you were going to pick her mom from the airport, it’s 15 degrees outside and she’s been in a 15 hour journey don’t let her mom suffer because you did not keep your words. You said you were going to quit drinking because you turn into someone else around her and the kids, do it.

Another thing that pleases a woman even when some say it doesn’t, it’s shiny things and breath taking things. I once got my girl this shiny piece of jewelry. She told me that it was too much and that I shouldn’t have gotten it for her. She’s one of those modern day I can do things myself type of gal. So if I use my annual bonus to buy her a piece of jewelry she’ll act like it’s not cool because she didn’t get me something like that. Even if I told her many times that she’s my lady, and I don’t care what feminism says, in my eyes she and my daughter deserve the best. So it was when I told her that it’s not bad for women to have expensive jewelry and if we ever get broke and she needs to provide for our daughter she can always sell that jewelry, that was when she accepted the gift. Days later I was walking by our bedroom and she didn’t notice but I saw her looking at herself in the mirror admiring herself and the jewelry. Using fancy accents and not behaving like how most people see her. Then she started using it in our fancy outings. So yeah do catch your lady’s breath.

She might think sex is boring in your house, but book a nice hotel in Manhattan New York and enjoy breakfast at Tiffany’s, and dine her in her red dress and high heels and you’ll see the freaky side from when she was 22. Women love excitement.

And that’s for a woman who’s in her late teens, 20s, 30s, 40s and elderly age.

Women are amazing. So please your lady.

[Note from Anna: For me, at first I thought the shiny [jewelry?] part to be non-applicable, and perhaps a bit conflicting with my so-called values. I used to joke that my mates were maybe fortunate that I have an aversion to [wearing] jewelry - due to someone in high school having tried to choke me with my own necklace - I haven't worn my hair long since then, for the same reason - long hair could slow me down and disable me, potentially. Then I thought about "shiny" more. Do I enjoy "shiny"? Do I feel honored to have "value" offered to me? Yes x 2! (I think I value the gifts of attention and time more than gifts costing lots of money - probably because the former two are more limited and therefore more valuable to me.)

John Mellencamp "Emotional Love"

I woke up today
everything on my shoulders
I never told her
such emotional love
I hear what you say
Yes I owe ya
but I don´t know ya
and I smash soldiers with love
I come there today
to your station
it´s recreation
this passing notion of love
I hear what you say
it´s demonstration
crossing oceans above
crossing oceans above
Hand on my shoulder
like I told her
I control ya
crossing oceans above
Sally in the roses
what she knows is
such emotional love ...
Not for beginners
or Sunday sinners
court disasters
A. J. just killed his love
Who´s on the left and right
lonely days and nights
Who´s your master
when gods pass motions above
I hear what you play
on your station
smashing soldiers with love
crossing oceans above
such emotional love ...
I woke up today
everything's on my shoulders
I never told her
such emotional love
I hear what you say
Yes I know ya
but I don´t owe ya
and I smash soldiers with love
I come there today
to your station
it´s recreation
this passing notion of love
is crossing oceans above
Such emotional love ...

Linkin Park "Waiting for the End" lyrics

Put 'em up like this
Let me see 'em now, yeah
I like that
Yeah
This is not the end
This is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
And though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em
We say, "yeah"
Fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we tell it, forget it
Let it all disappear
Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go
I know what it takes to move on
(Oh) I know how it feels to lie
(Oh) all I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so
I know what it takes to move on
(Oh) I know how it feels to lie
(Oh) all I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
Yeah, yeah
What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And I don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending is starting again
All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
This is not the end
This is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone (holding on to what I haven't got)
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em
We say, "yeah"
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there
'Cause we're living at the mercy of (holding on to what I haven't got)
The pain and the fear
Until we get it, forget it
Let it all disappear
Thank you

In what ways could a therapist foster dependency in a client?

https://qr.ae/TUtqlt

The person who answers this Quora question writes this, at the above link:

I would say that I’m surprised at these answers but I’m really not. Especially for U.S. replies.

Why does everyone assume this was a negative question? Why does everyone assume the asker meant OVERdependency? (Maybe they did, but maybe my slant will give even them a different context.). Why is it that when the very word ‘dependence’ is dared to be uttered, an emphatic gasp escapes from everyone’s proverbial mouth?

Here’s where I’m coming from: I LOATHE needs. I abhor depending on anyone for anything. If anyone were conditioned to gasp…or even puke…at the notion of needing something from someone, especially a therapist, it would be me. You see dependency means vulnerability…which is, of course, vehemently forbidden. I even call it the game of needs. Because as soon as I might need something from someone, I’m subject to their power. Their power to A. Meet the need or to not, for one…and worse, B. The power to call the shots if they DO meet it. What’s the pricetag? Oh and…if you’re willing to ask/take, then you’re willing to give…anything. Learn that before you even enter kindergarten and then tell me you think ‘needs’ are ok…or anything but even morally wrong! In all honesty…all of you therapists answers to date just FEED my reasons to not need you. You obviously want to DIS-courage it!

All we hear about is the clingy client. The idealizing client. The overwhelming, enmeshing client. The one you as therapists can’t shake. The ‘extra grace required’ client. The problematic, positive transferent client. The one who calls between sessions, emails, makes extra appointments, and overreacts when you have a vacation or even a single sick day. The, dare I say, ‘How do I get rid of’ this client. The ‘eyeroll’ client.

Does no one ever have the client who doesn’t even believe in ‘safe’ or trust? The one who’s been so out of touch with (or never been alllowed) emotions and has no idea how to even answer what it is that they need? The horribly avoidant kind of client? The one that almost bears claws when you mention the concepts of needs, trust, depending, or relationship? The one who causes eyebrows to curl in perplexity rather than roll with contempt?

What do you all do when a client wants so desperately to NOT need or trust you? When they endure hellish ambivalence over knowing they even made the first appointment because they needed help, but they have no idea what that would look like or how to ask for it? When everything in their nature rails against accepting any basic thing you offer them? What do you do when their defenses rear monstrous heads against everything you’ve previously held as concrete ‘do’s and don’t’s?

Whatever you would do to help them feel ‘safe’, to learn to slowly trust you, to have any chance at all to have a ‘therapeutic relationship’ (and those words pretty much cause their nerves to shudder), those things are what YOU do…to ‘foster’ some level of dependence to even keep them coming back and give therapy a chance. So don’t act like you, dear therapist, have never done anything to foster dependency…or that it’s a horrible thing that you have. Stop assuming that it has to mean some sly, selfish motivation on the part of a therapist to TRY against hope to create an opportunity for a (proud, Self Rescuing Princess) client to trust and talk for the first time in their lives. Stop villifying the more ‘extreme’ measures a therapist might HAVE to take to even connect or engage with a client. Oh I know that all of the answers here which address the dark side of therapists ambitions do exist….but that is because of the nature of that singular therapist rather than the nature of dependency. (Wow! I can’t believe that just came from my brain! This is 180 from where I was 5–4–3 yrs ago!)

I think that therapists who work with a high ratio of trauma clients (especially complex trauma from childhood abuse), have seen more people like me. I think that to them, this question is much more neutral and their answer would be tailored for each clients needs, rather than so unilaterally snubbing of the simple word ‘dependency’.

And that takes a hell of a lot for me to say!! Because I saw ‘the game’ of fostering from the beginning and fought tooth and nail to not fall for it. I refused to play the game. Maybe that’s why it’s taken me half a decade to get here. But I AM still here, in therapy, for the first time in my 40something life. My therapist has the patience of a saint and the impeccable balance to ‘foster’ dependence without ever crossing a single boundary to coerce me into any form of OVERdependence or to so scare the living excrement out of me as to give me any further excuse to bolt.

This question and answer session has brought me a new and deeper gratitude for the skill and intrepid genius that my therapist has had to walk the fine line without fearing it’s wavering from time to time. Leaving open ended those things which they obviously knew I needed (whether I knew or not) and keeping closed what they knew I needed to still avoid.

Rethink context here please. Everybody gets unethical manipulation these days. It’s forefront and center. But a frenzy of ‘the therapist is selfish/only wants more money/loves the ego boost’ is very shortsighted. Commonplace, one dimensional and boring at least…sad and underserving of a whole population of clientelle at worst. Maybe the therapist just knows that it could be life or death to keep the client coming back.

Yet even I have been able to accomplish this shift after over 5+ long, patient, painstaking years of learning how to trust (which really must be a prerequisite of any healthy dependency). It’s been excruciating. And yet I’ve just realized ‘Here I am!’ arguing FOR healthy dependency. OMG!!! (Quell oncoming panic). My therapist did something right. Maybe they had to overcome their own comfort limits to accomplish it! Imagine that! Maybe we were both uncomfortable all this time. But it’s working…and right now I thank God that my therapist never gave up on me OR themself. I’m thankful that they refused to see things in black and white, or held to an unyielding principle of anti-dependency. Which would have just matched my own principles and accomplished zilch.

Emotional Reactivity - Psychology Today

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201310/emotional-reactivity-the-bane-intimate-communication

How to Lose Her

Seen elsewhere:
This is how you lose her when she wanted to be yours
You lose her when you stop paying attention to her. To her feelings. To the changes in her behavior. To the sadness in her eyes. To the things she’s been subtly asking you to do but you’ve been oblivious to them all.
You lose her when you give her the feeling that her presence in your life is not important. That you’re fine without her, that you don’t need her in your life as much as she needs you. When you make her feel that spending time with her is an obligation and not something that will make your day better.

The Smiths "Stop Me if you think that you've heard this one before" (official)

The Smiths "The Boy With The Thorn In His Side" (official)

The Smiths "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" (and lyrics)

Suzanne Vega "Knight Moves" video

Namastay in bed a bit longer ...

Wall art seen in the master bedroom of a home for sale: "Namaste* - in bed"
[*Namaste roughly means "I bow to the God within you", or "The Spirit within me salutes the Spirit in you". And also: "Nama-stay in bed, and not start my daily tasks yet ..."]

Suzanne Vega "Solitude Standing"

Solitude stands by the window
She turns her head as I walk in the room
I can see by her eyes she's been waiting
Standing in the slant of the late afternoon
and she turns to me with her hand extended
[her] palm is split with a flower, with a flame

Solitude stands in the doorway
I'm struck once again by her black silhouette
by her long cool stare and her silence
I suddenly remember each time we've met
and she turns to me with her hand extended
(her) palm is split with a flower with a flame

and she says "I've come to set a twisted thing straight"
and she says "I've come to lighten this dark heart"
and she takes my wrist, I feel her imprint of fear
and I said, "I never thought of finding you here"

and I turn to the crowd as they're watching
They're sitting all together in the dark, in the warm
I wanted to be in there, among them
I see how their eyes are gathered into one

Then she turns to me with her hand extended
[her] palm is split with a flower, with a flame

and she says "I've come to set a twisted thing straight"
and she says "l've come to lighten this dark heart"
and she takes my wrist, I feel her imprint of fear
and I said, "I never thought of finding you here"

Solitude stands in the doorway
I'm struck once again by her black silhouette
by her long cool stare and her silence
I suddenly remember each time we've met
and she turns to me with her hand extended
[her] palm is split with a flower, with a flame

Ed Sheeran - Shape of You [Official Video]

Paul McCartney "Ou est le Soleil (1989)"

... dans la tête! Travailler! (Or, "Travaillez!")

Suzanne Vega "Left of Center"

Suzanne Vega "In the eye"

Peter Murphy "Indigo Eyes" (Happy Birthday version)

Subtly modified Peter Murphy “Indigo Eyes” lyrics - as Anna hears or would hear them! ;-)

Fire burning in a hill,
the lines are rocky rough.
Red angels wait to pick remains.
The cindered shoulder
of confused men ...
Separate from there: their awe.
With grey desire,
he looks out (mad) his soft grey indigo eyes.
Indigo eyes … asking ...
His heaven is uncovered not,
a black tree blocks his way.
His way is skating ‘round a dome -
his way is in dismay.
The playmate sings
like Orphee in some thunder world,
asking to be bathed in light,
to be exemplified.
Like Orphee in some thunder world,
asking to be taken light,
to be exemplified.
With grey desire he looks out (mad) his soft grey indigo eyes.
Saw his past,
he had dug for trust,
with blind infected hands.
And wondered as the hurt bit hard,
why the sacred weren't at hand.
Only when his ears were deaf
to the angels’ light burst waves -
Only when his ears were deaf
did life turn from fog to fog.
But not evil, but estranged -
but not evil, but [dismayed] estranged.
Indigo eyes, Indigo eyes,
Indigo eyes, Indigo eyes.
With grey desire he looks out (mad) his soft grey indigo eyes, indigo eyes ...

Swiss Air Force: "Push the Limit"

"I want you to know this: Use your heart to love SOMEBODY. And if your heart is big enough ... Use your heart to love EVERYBODY!" - Stevie Wonder, in this clip
(It's my yearly posting of this. I first shared Stevie Wonder "As (2008)" in summer 2017. :-) )

R.E.M. "World Leader Pretend" - This song has meant much to me, in terms of personal development and growth.

Swiss Army: Discipline + Fun

Schweizer Armee - Swiss Army: Discipline + Fun

Stevie Wonder "As (2008)" and R.E.M. "World Leader Pretend"

"I want you to know this: Use your heart to love SOMEBODY. And if your heart is big enough ... Use your heart to love EVERYBODY!" - Stevie Wonder, in this clip

R.E.M. "World Leader Pretend" - This song has meant much to me, in terms of personal development and growth.